Big Girls Don’t Cry But Sometimes Big Boys Do

This past weekend, I watched a grown ass man officially lose his fucking mind.  I can’t call this goon out by name because it’s one thing to have his picture up on this website but it’s another thing all together to then post a ridiculously disparaging story about him that may contain some factual inaccuracies. So without any further delay, you shall witness the deconstruction of a Local Goon.
Over the previous weekend, I witnessed an event that truly turned my insides out. This event involved a 27 year old man-child, more mentally equipped to drink his beer from a sippy cup than from his own still sweaty work boot (1st shot), and a party filled with more sausage and less females than you could shake a stick at.  During a recent house party, this boy-with-lady-parts decided it was necessary to start a fight, lose the fight, throw a hissy fit, get slapped around some more, and then trash the place.  I know, nothing out of the ordinary there and I will totally neglect to mention that we were drinking a grain alcohol concoction that I suggested. The problem with this incident was that it was his own house that he shared with some other Local Goons.  He was in the process of moving out but this doesn’t excuse a God Damn thing because the others were not moving. He smashed the house’s big screen TV, broke tables, broke bottles, and broke his already broken reputation (2nd shot). This particular Goon has dressed up in women’s clothing, attempted to kiss the Big Hug (Local Goon) on several occasions, probably drank a wine cooler or two, and probably pissed all over himself after drinking those wine coolers (3rd shot). Even with this man’s entire feminine history, nobody ever thought he could act like such a bitch. With all that said, we shall still have love for this Goon. Though he has been exiled and has burned every bridge he has on his way out of town, we still love him.  We all fully assume that some day soon we will see this little red Corvette (prince reference) paddling across a raging river on an inflatable blow up doll that possibly originated from some place in Asia (because that’s his thing). He will be doing so while the flames on those bridges he burned are still red hot but I’ll be damned if we don’t pull him ashore.  He’s still a goon and, believe it or not, even a goon can be forgiven.

And while I said I wouldn’t identify this Goon, you really need to watch this YouTube clip. I just couldn’t help myself because I’m a fucking asshole.

Animals That We Have Kidnapped And Forced Into Servitude

So lets get one thing straight, I like animals.  Pets especially. I wish I could talk to my dog on a more personal level so I could really thank him for everything. “Hey man, you let me steal you from your mother at a real young age, hold you against your will, and force you to entertain people around me. I dig that about you. Oh and sorry about that time the doctor cut your balls out.  I promise that won’t happen again”. Seriously, if I was my dog I would fucking hate me. I love him but I’m just terrible at owning him. He looks at me with those ‘please feed me puppy dog eyes’.  I just tell him straight up “Dude, I have less money than you… and you’re a dog. You have no money but I can’t even pay last months rent. So seriously, can I borrow $20?”.  So now,  I just let him eat from the fridge.  I take him to the park but that’s just humiliating.   Look at what people do to dogs at parks.  Its terrible.  We could play fetch or as I like to call it, ‘Make you go get this stick I threw so you spend more time over there and less time over here bothering me’. Or how about we play tug of war otherwise known as, ‘You seem to be enjoying this piece of rope so I’m going to try and take it away from you’.  What is this? China?  After all that psychological abuse, I make him shit out in the open in front of a bunch of people. If someone did that to me I’d be pretty mad. I can’t believe this dog doesn’t bite me square in the Blarney Stones after one of these outings.  For everything I’ve ever done, I’m sorry Moses (local goon).

We’ve Gone Too Far

What can I say? It took 27 years to realize that I’m entirely too attached to my own decadence.  After celebrating yet another lackluster year of my life in extraordinary fashion, I’ve come to the conclusion that we goons take things too far.  Here’s why.  On Wednesday, I drank a bit… On Thursday, I drank a bit more…  On Friday, I drank ALL OF IT with a Scrilla and Rocky (local Goons)… On Saturday, I woke up hungover and puked in my own car while driving on the highway to meet some friends for lunch… On Sunday, I woke up with a day 2 hangover that could only be cured with a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, a boat load of coffee, and possibly some drugs that could be used to battle the Ebola virus.  I think its safe to say that only one day of celebratory libations was necessary.

Across State Lines

Today I bring you the 70th edition of ‘Who Wants To Be a Creepy Internet Blogger?’. I will discuss my recent trips to Philadelphia and New York, as well as, some other necessary topics. I shall start with Philly. You suck! No, I’m serious. You really suck. I’m trying not to lump all Pennsylvanians together here, because I know some genuinely awesome people from PA (Ok, maybe just know 1 or 2, 3 at the most), but Philly is terrible. Sure, its got history but that’s about it. And don’t even fucking say that they have cheese steaks because I had their cheese steaks and was not impressed.  I got half way through my second sandwich in the Geno’s vs. Pat’s cheese steak challenge when I thought to myself, “These aren’t nearly as good as everyone made them out to be”.  Seriously, a retard in a high school Home Economics class could make a better sandwich, or at least one that is equally unappealing.  All you need is a box of Steak Ums and some nacho cheese and in the words of Emeril Lagasse “BOOM!”, you have a cheese steak.  And that my friends, is nothing to write home about.  Next stop, New York City.  Somehow I’ve managed to go 26 years without stepping foot in the city but it was worth the wait.  It was fucking amazing, especially after my uneventful trip to Philly.  Usually I don’t like people, let alone large groups of them, congregating on every corner of the horizon.  However, New York had so many people, I felt alone… until I told that girl waiting in the bathroom line at the Union Square Starbucks that the toilet was now out-of-order, as I was walking out, adjusting my belt buckle.  surprisingly, the girl laughed at my lame ass brand of toilet humor.  What an amazing world we live in.  It’s as if the city was made to be one giant natural hallucination.  The one thing that my trip to New York left me thinking was, “No wonder they call it the city that never sleeps.  How could you with all those fucking lights?”      

Here are some ridiculous pictures of the Goons and myself gallivanting across state lines.

Bill Burr somes up the people of Philly right here… trust me, watch the whole thing.  its awesome

Epic

Epic.  That is the only word that can describe this past weekend.  Not because it was an especially exciting time but because the failures of the weekend will live on in infamy for years to come.  Lets just put it this way,  the Goons were out in full force and that didn’t bode well for anyone… especially for us Goons.  I’m going to do this Quentin Tarantino style and give you the ending first.  Scrilla (Local Goon) and I were dragged out of the bar.  Then we got into a fight on the sidewalk, during which, no punches were landed.  Epic failure.  It all started with us sucking down John Dalys (iced tea, lemonade, vodka) at a break neck speed.  By the way, John Dalys are now known as Cool Hand Lukes because the mix is much better with the Paul Newman half and half, as opposed to the Arnold Palmer half and half Arizona makes.  Anyway, by the time we left the house we were all Nick Nolte’ed (if you don’t know what that means, see bottom of post).  At the first bar, more work was done, with us drinking several shots in short succession.  However, the work would not last long.  Our time at that bar ended with me dumping my freshly poured Miller Lite into some young ladys lap… and it was NO accident.  I’m sorry, if you are going to be a bitch for no reason at all, you may get a beer dumped on you from time to time.  We aren’t going to get into exactly what she did because first off, I don’t remember and second off, I don’t want the possible facts to get in the way of an awesome memory, in which I swooped in like a super hero and defended my friends’ honor by dumping a beer on some dolled up bitch with a fist up her ass.  This is my blog so I make the fucking rules… and my rules say she deserved it!      

 Nick Nolte

Pissing on Women

I’m sorry. It’s not exceptable….ever. Pissing and sex are 2 totally seperate experiences and pleasures. It’s not like smoking and drinking. They do not go hand in hand. How is it even supposed to work? Are you supposed to fuck on a tarp or something? I guess the shower would work but then the piss is instantly washed away… so what’s the point? I happen to find sex to be quite difficult, even somewhat painful, if I have to take a piss during it. It’s not something you can just turn on and off. Ask Little Jay Wound (local Goon) about the dangers of mixing sex with urination. He damn near took the bitches eye out. Not that she didn’t deserve it but that is another story. Piss in a toilet, on a building, towards a stray cat, just not on a woman. Understood?