Archive for the Make Decisions Category

Get Me Out Of Here

Posted in Make Decisions with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Right now, it’s cold enough to melt fire.  All winter long, the snow has been accumalting like our national debt but it’s the bone chilling wind that really bothers me.  This wind could rip the nipples off a rhino.  With climate change ready to bust it’s load all over planet earth, I fear this sort of torture will become more common.  A hasty retreat may be my only option but where should I go? Perhaps Libya?  If Qaddafi has taught me anything, it is that you can find some really nice sunglasses in Libya.  Maybe I could go to the Ivory Coast.  They have an internationally recognized president who does nothing and then they have guy who just runs shit.  Sounds like Bush and Cheney. What about Amsterdam?  Supposedly they are now trying to limit drug use amongst foreigners.  So in other words, I will not be going there.  Iowa? Okay, that’s a joke.  Who the fuck would want to live in Iowa? For some unknown reason, when I think Iowa, I think hobo hotbed.  If I don’t know how to hop a train or how to cook beans over a dumpster fire, I don’t think I’d survive a week in Iowa.  That leaves me with Texas. The land of steers and queers, or so they say.  Which gets me thinking, if Texas has both queers and steers, it would beg to reason that there must be some segment of the population that’s is both queer and steer.  With that being said, what does a gay cow taste like and would I want to eat it?  I’m certainly not prejudiced against cows or bulls that chose to live an alternative lifestyle but I also don’t want my cow to taste like it spent it’s life fighting for acceptance in a cruel world, while simultaneously playing women’s hockey.  And if I’m eating a bull and it tastes like it enjoyed a good bubble bath, a night of dancing, and a stiff cosmopolitan,  I’m not sure how I’ll react.  If nothing else, at least it’ll be rich in protein, I guess. 

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When Do We Grow Up?

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2010 by Suge White

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I consider myself to be a somewhat childish individual and there is nothing wrong with holding on to a piece of your youth but some people take that shit way too far.  If you’re over 40 years old and still sporting a soul patch, while strutting around with your hat on backwards, you are probably either a virgin or a lame ass dingus who needs to move out of his mother’s house.  Seriously, you need to go pay rent somewhere.  Sorry bro, but nobody listens to the Meat Puppets anymore. Grow the fuck up!  This goes for the ladies too.  No mom should be flashing her tramp stamp around town like its acceptable. Cover that shit up!  It’s great that you drove your kids to soccer practice Saturday morning but that doesn’t excuse the fact that you offered to blow me at the Diamond Inn Friday night.  And was that crack I smelled or do you always just stink of burning rubber? Either way, get off the back of that dudes Harley, put the pipe down, and go bake your children some fucking cookies!

I Make Mistakes… Often

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2010 by Suge White

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I have recently discovered that my life is nothing more than a series of terrible life choices.  When a situation arises, I generally decide what the best course of action is and then do the opposite.  I’m serious.  This is much more than drinking with a hangover because, let’s face it, we all do that (Yes, even you, dead Gandhi).  All I know is that if there is a God, he is probably mighty dissapointed with me.  They told me not to take that last shot at the bar… I did it anyway.  They told me not to sleep with that lady… I did it anyway (unprotected, mind you).  They told not to dip my junk in that pot of boiling water… actually, I still didn’t do that because I’m not fucking retarded.  As a matter of fact, fuck you for even thinking that I would actually consider doing that shit… fucking assholes.

A letter to Wyclef

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Listen, Make Decisions, Stop with tags , , , , , , on July 27, 2010 by Suge White

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Dear Wyclef,

I was just flipping channels and saw that you are thinking about running for president of Haiti. Are you fucking serious? This move would make Lauryn Hill’s mental state look like Bill ‘fucking’ Gates! Since when was it not enough to just make hit fucking records? Now you have to be a fucking president? You think you’re ‘helping’ the people but clearly you were born out of incest because your thoughts are fucking retarded. Are you going to make more money as a hip hop legend or as the president of Haiti? That should be a rhetorical question, at this point. Make your millions and use that money to help the people… all the people. Being president would only hinder your philanthropy. You don’t see Bono pulling this shit… and he’s a way bigger douche bag than you’ll ever be. So take a tip from U2’s questionably heterosexual frontman and just be a rockstar that gives back to the people. However, if you ever start wearing eyeliner and shitty purple sunglasses I’ll come find you and slap the shit out of you for completely ruining my memory of the Fugees. You’re our my last hope!

Sincerely,
Hustle Womens

“Man, I Was Set Up Like a Motha….”

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by Suge White

imageSay it ain’t so L.T. After hearing about Lawrence Taylor’s arrest on suspicion of rape, I was left hoping it wasn’t true. History has proved some similar claims false… but not all of them. However, it must be remembered that you can only be famous for so long before someone accuses you of rape. It happens to the best of them. Tyson, Kobe, Roman Polanski, Michael Jackson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar (formerly of Lou Alcinder fame), Big Ben, and now Taylor. I know what you are saying, ‘didn’t Polanski admit it?’ Yes he did but that’s not the point. The point is that he had to be accused first. You may also be asking ‘when did Kareem Abdul Jabbar go through this?’  Well, he didn’t but doesn’t he look like a guy that this could have happened to and some people would have believed he did it? The answer is yes. The bottom line is this only happens to people who look like, or act like, they might be willing to take some ass through force. Taylor definitely looks the part with that high fade/flat-top hybrid that he wore in his playing days and would probably countinue to wear if his age allowed it, and with the single, long, gold, cross earring hanging off his left ear. He also acts the part with his crack smoking and uncomfortably energetic personality (which may be a byproduct of the crack smoking). With all that said, I hope it’s not true.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar looks suspect, that’s all I’m sayin’

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and now more L.T.

Fix These Roads

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Listen, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2010 by Suge White

Yesterday, I hit a pothole and wrecked the transmission in my car. Does this shit happen to other people, or just me?  Isn’t it somebody’s job to fix these?  Fucking lazy pricks!  Do your job!  Now, back to the holes.  I think we should stop calling them potholes and start calling them assholes because that’s what they are…. ASSHOLES.  Fucking ridiculous! I want to fill in that pothole with my shit, which I will then piss on.  Or maybe I’ll just tea bag the pothole. You’ll drive by and see me with my pants around my ankles and my balls in a hole in the road. How would you like that pothole? You wouldn’t, would you?

Live and Learn

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Listen, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2010 by Suge White

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I’m 26 years into this life and I’m stilling finding new things that I’m not supposed to do. I will give you a rundown on what I’ve learned. First off, don’t tell somebody on Ash Wednesday that they’ve ‘got some shit on their face’. Apparently ash and shit are not the same and I’m supposed to know the difference. Second, never ask a cop how you can tell if the crack you just bought is laced. You are better off asking how to tell if the crack you just SMOKED is laced. Lastly, never wear a diaper unless you are absolutely certain that you’re going to need it because even if its empty, it still look like there’s a load in your pants.