Archive for TV

Royal Douchebaggery

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Big Girls Don’t Cry But Sometimes Big Boys Do

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Suge White

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This past weekend, I watched a grown ass man officially lose his fucking mind.  I can’t call this goon out by name because it’s one thing to have his picture up on this website but it’s another thing all together to then post a ridiculously disparaging story about him that may contain some factual inaccuracies. So without any further delay, you shall witness the deconstruction of a Local Goon.
Over the previous weekend, I witnessed an event that truly turned my insides out. This event involved a 27 year old man-child, more mentally equipped to drink his beer from a sippy cup than from his own still sweaty work boot (1st shot), and a party filled with more sausage and less females than you could shake a stick at.  During a recent house party, this boy-with-lady-parts decided it was necessary to start a fight, lose the fight, throw a hissy fit, get slapped around some more, and then trash the place.  I know, nothing out of the ordinary there and I will totally neglect to mention that we were drinking a grain alcohol concoction that I suggested. The problem with this incident was that it was his own house that he shared with some other Local Goons.  He was in the process of moving out but this doesn’t excuse a God Damn thing because the others were not moving. He smashed the house’s big screen TV, broke tables, broke bottles, and broke his already broken reputation (2nd shot). This particular Goon has dressed up in women’s clothing, attempted to kiss the Big Hug (Local Goon) on several occasions, probably drank a wine cooler or two, and probably pissed all over himself after drinking those wine coolers (3rd shot). Even with this man’s entire feminine history, nobody ever thought he could act like such a bitch. With all that said, we shall still have love for this Goon. Though he has been exiled and has burned every bridge he has on his way out of town, we still love him.  We all fully assume that some day soon we will see this little red Corvette (prince reference) paddling across a raging river on an inflatable blow up doll that possibly originated from some place in Asia (because that’s his thing). He will be doing so while the flames on those bridges he burned are still red hot but I’ll be damned if we don’t pull him ashore.  He’s still a goon and, believe it or not, even a goon can be forgiven.

And while I said I wouldn’t identify this Goon, you really need to watch this YouTube clip. I just couldn’t help myself because I’m a fucking asshole.