Archive for the Stop…Look…Listen Category

I Have Some Reservations

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I will offer up a first at hustlewomens.com. I will give a review on my favorite television show, No Reservations. This needs to be done, if only because Anthony Bourdain has crushed my less than conciliatory stance towards the French.  Once I get past his ethnic deficiencies, I can’t help but see that this man posses many of the life goals and aspiritations that I hold. He travels the world with the well intentioned goals of eating exotic food, drinking non domestic beer, and generally ridiculing his foreign hosts. His love of alcohol, his appreciation of punk rock, and his questioning of weird Russian men who come across as potentially homosexual, are all qualities that I admire greatly. Dare I say, this show is pure genius. I also live my life with the very natural intention of letting others know that I am better than them, while also feigning interest in their unique perspective, so I can’t help but appreciate this show. But don’t get me wrong. I would love the chance to prove my superiority to Mr. Bourdain himself. With that being declared, just know that I never have to meet the man in order to do so.  One simple sentence will suffice. I have not once tried heroin, let alone done so multiple times. Mr. Womens 1, Mr. No Reservations 0. I win.  Now that I have proved my superiority over such a deeply flawed opponent in a fashion not seen since the Falkland War, I must admit that I have a genuine respect for his man. He eats food I would never dare eat, he probably bangs women I can only dreambof touching, all while doing drugs I would never even attempt to procure. Anthony Bourdain, God speed.

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Gathering My Thoughts…. And That’s Not Good For Anyone.

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2011 by Suge White

Here’s to a new year. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve put my insanity out there for the masses. I think my lack of creativity is due to the cold because if my dick is frozen to the side of my leg, the last thing I’ll be doing is writing. Today however, I have pulled apart my appendages, thawed out my frost bitten bait, and am now ready for a little nonsense. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed some things that strike me as unacceptable. First things first, these children need to drink more booze. We need to teach these kids to man up and stop being a bunch of pussies.  I don’t care if you’re wearing a diaper, drink more. Control of your bodily fluids has nothing to do with it. Shit, I know some grown ass men that can’t help but piss all over themselves after they get a few cups of the sauce in them… see Sleazy E (former Goon, now heartless pussy). Next line of business: men with pony tails.  In the words of the great Mike Singletary, “Can’t win with them”. Perhaps I should add a line item to this declaration by saying that if you believe in the virtues of hippy-ism, I may give you a pass for the time being, if only to avoid the wrath of some good friends. Other then these select few, no man should be rocking a pony tail because it makes you look some sort of poor man’s Jesus Christ.  Jesus was poor enough. There is no need to try to one-up him. I’m going after Russian dudes next.  Seriously, get your teeth fixed. I’m sorry Ovechkin, that mangled grill of yours doesn’t make you look rugged. It makes you look like a guy who just smoked 5 grams of crack and is now on the hunt for some little girls bicycle to steal. I can see him now, riding down the street on that pink Huffy with the streamers flying off the handle bars, all the while looking like some sort of Wario on meth. You make millions, dude. Go see a dentist. Sticking with the hockey player theme, we will move on to Sidney Crosby. You mustn’t ever wear that dick-broom you call a mustache ever again. Your skills on the ice may be significant but no amount of skill can make up for that disasterous attempt at facial hair. Keep it clean shaven and maybe you won’t be lambasted by me for looking like John Waters, though I will continue to question your sexual preference. Moving on.  John Boehner needs to stop crying. I’m probably the 1,000th person to comment on this but I might be the only one to notice that every time he cries it looks like he just suffered a massive stroke. Move the left side of your mouth dude! Also, if Howard Dean’s maniacal moment of laughter disqualifies him from consideration for a higher office, and it certainly does, I think john Boehner, in all his infancy, should be held to the same standards. Crying is for girls and men that just got kicked in the junk, not for politicians who just want to use their clout to ball-wash the rich. KILL THE RICH, FEED THE POOR!!! Welcome to 2011, I’m out!

Get Some!

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2010 by Suge White

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Hustle Womens present…. hustlelinens.com, the foremost purveyor of anti-Lebron paraphernalia this side of Akron. It’s only fitting that we kick off our brand by releasing the ‘I F*cked LBJ’s Mother’ t-shirts. Big Up, Delonte West! Though this internet rumor may very well be untrue, it only serves to highlight the questionable sexual history of one, Ms. James. What can I say? King James mother is a whore.  Listen, I know there are many people out there without fathers but God damn Gloria James, how many 6’8″ ballers were there in Akron back in the early 80’s? And how many of them did you sleep with?  The answer is probably all of them if not a single guy has come forward claiming to be royalty. Even with your million dollar baby, nobody out there is willing to claim they tagged you back in the day?  Were you a crackhead?  Were you known to possess a severe case of the herpes? Or did you just sleep with anybody that would throw some big dick your way? Then again, it could be all of the above.  I guess we will never know.  With that being said, let it be known that Ms. James and the whiz kid are hardly our only targets. We will be tackling people, places, objects, and events of many different origins.  Our shirts will capitalize on the ridiculousness of humanity.  Some will be funny, others will be bummy, but they will all be lacking in any and all forms of class.

Animals That We Have Kidnapped And Forced Into Servitude

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2010 by Suge White

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So lets get one thing straight, I like animals.  Pets especially. I wish I could talk to my dog on a more personal level so I could really thank him for everything. “Hey man, you let me steal you from your mother at a real young age, hold you against your will, and force you to entertain people around me. I dig that about you. Oh and sorry about that time the doctor cut your balls out.  I promise that won’t happen again”. Seriously, if I was my dog I would fucking hate me. I love him but I’m just terrible at owning him. He looks at me with those ‘please feed me puppy dog eyes’.  I just tell him straight up “Dude, I have less money than you… and you’re a dog. You have no money but I can’t even pay last months rent. So seriously, can I borrow $20?”.  So now,  I just let him eat from the fridge.  I take him to the park but that’s just humiliating.   Look at what people do to dogs at parks.  Its terrible.  We could play fetch or as I like to call it, ‘Make you go get this stick I threw so you spend more time over there and less time over here bothering me’. Or how about we play tug of war otherwise known as, ‘You seem to be enjoying this piece of rope so I’m going to try and take it away from you’.  What is this? China?  After all that psychological abuse, I make him shit out in the open in front of a bunch of people. If someone did that to me I’d be pretty mad. I can’t believe this dog doesn’t bite me square in the Blarney Stones after one of these outings.  For everything I’ve ever done, I’m sorry Moses (local goon).

We’ve Gone Too Far

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2010 by Suge White

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What can I say? It took 27 years to realize that I’m entirely too attached to my own decadence.  After celebrating yet another lackluster year of my life in extraordinary fashion, I’ve come to the conclusion that we goons take things too far.  Here’s why.  On Wednesday, I drank a bit… On Thursday, I drank a bit more…  On Friday, I drank ALL OF IT with a Scrilla and Rocky (local Goons)… On Saturday, I woke up hungover and puked in my own car while driving on the highway to meet some friends for lunch… On Sunday, I woke up with a day 2 hangover that could only be cured with a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, a boat load of coffee, and possibly some drugs that could be used to battle the Ebola virus.  I think its safe to say that only one day of celebratory libations was necessary.

I Make Mistakes… Often

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2010 by Suge White

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I have recently discovered that my life is nothing more than a series of terrible life choices.  When a situation arises, I generally decide what the best course of action is and then do the opposite.  I’m serious.  This is much more than drinking with a hangover because, let’s face it, we all do that (Yes, even you, dead Gandhi).  All I know is that if there is a God, he is probably mighty dissapointed with me.  They told me not to take that last shot at the bar… I did it anyway.  They told me not to sleep with that lady… I did it anyway (unprotected, mind you).  They told not to dip my junk in that pot of boiling water… actually, I still didn’t do that because I’m not fucking retarded.  As a matter of fact, fuck you for even thinking that I would actually consider doing that shit… fucking assholes.

RIP STEVE “HALFIE” LARSON

Posted in Disaster, Hero, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , on July 19, 2010 by Suge White

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Although you may have pissed me off many times, I’ll still miss your ridiculous antics. Your insensitivity regarding Danny’s ‘ethnic issues’ will never be matched, although, I’m sure you know we will try. Be easy my dude and Rest In Peace!
P.S. – Cop some analingus from an angel for me and keep them warmed up for when I get there.