Archive for the Disaster Category

I Sometimes Watch Sports: Week 2

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2011 by Suge White

image

image

image

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The Red Sox are currently playing like a punch of adolescent half-boys with significant ankle problems.  Who cares if they won 8 of there last 10? The starting pitching looks good, at least what’s left of them, but the bullpen is a mess and there are a couple of good-for-nothing, high priced, hookers roaming the outfield. If J.D Drew and Carl Crawford were prostitutes, they would be the kind that will blow you in the backseat of a Buick for nothing more than a couple of cheesburgers or a tube of Herpicin.  Being a half game out of first place is nothing more than a silver lining for a storm cloud preparing to drive an F-5 tornado up your ass. Hopefully, next week we will once again be the greatest team ever assembled.But right now I’m scared.

Royal Douchebaggery

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

image

Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Graduation

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

image

After much tribulation, I have finally attained a college degree. Don’t ask what I learned because I didn’t learn much.  Don’t ask how I did it because I don’t remember. Just know that it is done. During this time, I drank too much, I practiced unsafe promiscuity, and I once attempted to register a pumpkin to vote. Needless to say, these years have been very important to my personal development. But now, we move on. Now when I drink beer, I won’t be a student. I’ll be a drunk.  Now when I pull a prank, I won’t be a class clown.  I’ll be an asshole. And now if I pick up some chick at a party, I won’t be just having fun.  I’ll be having herpes. With the proper reflection, I would say that I need to go back to school so I can avoid this fate.  However, I’m far to drunk to reflect and now I have to go to the store to buy some cream.

Its The End Of The World

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2011 by Suge White

image

In case you haven’t noticed, 2012 is bearing down on us like an out of control station wagon with a coked-up James Brown behind the wheel.  We are all watching as massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes rock our tranquility.  All the while, Charlie Sheen is running around like some half assed anti-christ trying to corrupt our youthful exuberance.  Seriously people, we need to put down the crack pipes and pick up the shovels. We should be building bomb shelters… or space ships… or some really cool kind of oven that runs on the decaying remnants of our hopes and dreams.  The bottom line is that we should be preparing for our Armageddon.  And even if we can’t save our selves, we should at least be trying to live it up while we are still here.  With that being said, go out and try some new things.  I’ve never helped an old lady cross a street with her groceries, so guess what is first on my list of things to do? If you guessed ‘helping an old lady cross the street’, you are an idiot for thinking I’m going to waste my final days helping out those that have lived much more life than I will ever see.  Sorry, grandma but I’m going to steal your groceries and pawn them off to buy some heroin.  I’ve never done heroin before, nor have I ever wanted to, but hell, the world is going to end and I’m interested to see what all the hype is about.  I’ll have a needle in my arm, a crack pipe in my mouth (which I picked up after accepting my impending doom), and a dirty chick on the end of my dick.  No more caring and no more thoughts.  All that will be left is black tar and hideous lower back tattoos.  Get like me and accept the inevitable.

Sex, Drugs, and Sheen

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2011 by Suge White

image

Can we please stop talking about Charlie Sheen?  I will admit that I do it myself but there’s no denying that it’s a worn out story.  Infatuation is down right unhealthy.  We shouldn’t spend so much otherwise liveable time hemorrhaging over the downfall of a single drug infested individual.  Charlie Sheen is hardly the first celebrity to meet the downfall of drugs.  Let us not forget Keith Richards, Bobby and Whitney, or all of those “that kid who was in all those movies”.  They are all just people… who occasionally smoke crack and fantasize about creating sex mansions.  I think that it’s time that we all start living like celebrities because, obviously, that’s what peaks the interest Americans.  We should go out, do our own drugs, fuck our own hookers, and create our own temporarily quotable moments of pure insanity.  I don’t know about you but while I may not be able to afford a suitecase filled with blow, I could probably afford to fill a camera case or a small jewelry box if I really wanted… and lets be honest, that’s still alot of blow (or so I’ve heard…. from other people).

Egypt, Don’t Worry Because I Wasn’t Planning On Going To You Anyway

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People with tags , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011 by Suge White

image

Egypt sure has been going crazy the past couple weeks.  They are teaching the world about some civil unrest.  Before this, I thought unrest was what happens when a person goes on a week long meth binge. Apparently, I was misinformed. Now, I think I’ve watched enough TV to realize that the Middle East is a place that no one should visit… ever. With that being said, I find it funny that so many western journalists are going over there to report on the situation, only for a crowd of rowdy mummies to beat them like adopted Russian children with behavioral problems. They come back to the states, get on the airwaves, and tell us all about their experience. Is this supposed to be news? What the hell did they think was going to happen? These people are angry and should probably be left alone. It’s like stepping into a dog fighting ring with a t-bone steak hanging off the end of your cock and expecting to walk out a fully functioning man. Its not going to happen. Don’t turn around, put yourself on TV, and act like its a surprise. You should have known what would happen and you have no one to blame but yourself for letting it happen.

Don’t Tell Me…. It’s Christmas

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2010 by Suge White

image

Christmas is the holiday that best exemplifies my worst personal trait, which happens to be my penchant for procrastination. I will literally stop at a gas station and buy someone a scratch ticket right before a Christmas party. A scratch ticket is the best way to tell someone “I forgot about Christmas, my bad”. How could someone disapprove? Sure, your gift could end up being absolutely nothing but it could also be a million dollars. Think about that million dollars for a second. With a million dollars, you could by a lot of beer, a lot of drugs, and possibly Lindsay Lohan as your own personal prostitute because, lets be honest, she has nothing else going on right now. And if you play your cards right, she might even do a line of cocaine off your dick. Hell, before you know it, you will be playing beach volleyball with Jessica Alba, Lenny Dykstra, and Danny Glover’s father, while wearing nothing but a Speedo made out of a Scandinavian women’s face (first off, the Scandinavian woman would have willing sold you her face. Secondly, watch out for that Lenny Dykstra. I hear he’s broke these days).  My procrastination could lead to some true happiness in someone’s life. Who’d of thought?  Merry Christmas and Fuck You!