I Sometimes Watch Sports: Week 2

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2011 by Suge White

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WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The Red Sox are currently playing like a punch of adolescent half-boys with significant ankle problems.  Who cares if they won 8 of there last 10? The starting pitching looks good, at least what’s left of them, but the bullpen is a mess and there are a couple of good-for-nothing, high priced, hookers roaming the outfield. If J.D Drew and Carl Crawford were prostitutes, they would be the kind that will blow you in the backseat of a Buick for nothing more than a couple of cheesburgers or a tube of Herpicin.  Being a half game out of first place is nothing more than a silver lining for a storm cloud preparing to drive an F-5 tornado up your ass. Hopefully, next week we will once again be the greatest team ever assembled.But right now I’m scared.

I Sometimes Watch Sports

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I’m going to start a weekly (subject to change at a drinking binge’s discreation) Red Sox column, discussing the teams progress throughout this arduous season. I won’t watch every game and I won’t ball wash anyone, except maybe myself, but I will let you know how much certain people suck and exactly why they suck. We aren’t here to proclaim royalty of our stars when they are doing well. We are here to criticize the everlasting shit out of them when they underperform because it makes us feel better. Who sits back and cheers for every favorably called strike? No one… unless they are really drunk. However, losing ones mind over a called ball over the outside corner is nothing short of the essence of being a fan. I am an irrational sports fans, Masshole none the less. My column will reflect that. So here it goes.

John Lackey needs to pull his head, and possibly the heads of others, out of his ass. I didn’t like his signing from the minute it was announced. I always suspected that he might be retarded but now he’s apparently an emotionally fragile retard. Calm down, man…  Take a Valium… Eat a cheeseburger… Hell, punch a stripper in the face if you want. Just turn your shit around and start pitching like a man or retire and go play some fucking softball… Jackass! I will put Bobby Jenks into the same category. Although he rid himself of that hideous facial hair once he started sucking the bag, he still sported it for far to long and therefore deserves to be thoroughly criticized for his poor performance. When your goatee looks like string cheese, you should probably do a better job of not having a goatee.  And he certainly hasn’t done that.

Royal Douchebaggery

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Graduation

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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After much tribulation, I have finally attained a college degree. Don’t ask what I learned because I didn’t learn much.  Don’t ask how I did it because I don’t remember. Just know that it is done. During this time, I drank too much, I practiced unsafe promiscuity, and I once attempted to register a pumpkin to vote. Needless to say, these years have been very important to my personal development. But now, we move on. Now when I drink beer, I won’t be a student. I’ll be a drunk.  Now when I pull a prank, I won’t be a class clown.  I’ll be an asshole. And now if I pick up some chick at a party, I won’t be just having fun.  I’ll be having herpes. With the proper reflection, I would say that I need to go back to school so I can avoid this fate.  However, I’m far to drunk to reflect and now I have to go to the store to buy some cream.

A Man Of Extreme Passion

Posted in Hero with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2011 by Suge White

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“…this man was one of extreme passion.  His name was Tommy Heinsohn”  –  a great 17th century poet (whose name I cannot recall).

Watching Boston Celtics basketball is a beautiful thing on its own but that beauty is certainly enhanced by the wise words of Tommy Heinsohn.  His hate for the opposition is viseral, while  his love for the green and white is nothing short of glorious.  His ability to remain uncontrollably biased in the face of the most irrefutable evidence is the epitome of honor.  In fact, I wish I had that kind of support in my every day life.  Think about it.  Who wouldn’t feel better if Tommy was there to give his support when you put down the box of Fruit Loops and pick up the Cheerios.  Maybe I could get a few breaks from the police attempting to give me speeding tickets if he was in the front seat yelling at them as soon as they got to my window.  And I, for one, would be much better off if he was there to demand a foul everytime a girl tried to slip me a finger during a heated sexual exchange.  Even if the referee didn’t see it, at least Tommy will be there calling for a flagrant foul.  The possibilities are almost as endless as his loyalty.  So as you watch the NBA playoffs, remember that Tommy Heinsohn is a saintly figure that should be praised at every turn.  Remember that the scotch coursing through his veins is free of that Protestant taint.  And remember, his dedication is a shining example for every child in this country who wears a Celtics jersey.

Its The End Of The World

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2011 by Suge White

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In case you haven’t noticed, 2012 is bearing down on us like an out of control station wagon with a coked-up James Brown behind the wheel.  We are all watching as massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes rock our tranquility.  All the while, Charlie Sheen is running around like some half assed anti-christ trying to corrupt our youthful exuberance.  Seriously people, we need to put down the crack pipes and pick up the shovels. We should be building bomb shelters… or space ships… or some really cool kind of oven that runs on the decaying remnants of our hopes and dreams.  The bottom line is that we should be preparing for our Armageddon.  And even if we can’t save our selves, we should at least be trying to live it up while we are still here.  With that being said, go out and try some new things.  I’ve never helped an old lady cross a street with her groceries, so guess what is first on my list of things to do? If you guessed ‘helping an old lady cross the street’, you are an idiot for thinking I’m going to waste my final days helping out those that have lived much more life than I will ever see.  Sorry, grandma but I’m going to steal your groceries and pawn them off to buy some heroin.  I’ve never done heroin before, nor have I ever wanted to, but hell, the world is going to end and I’m interested to see what all the hype is about.  I’ll have a needle in my arm, a crack pipe in my mouth (which I picked up after accepting my impending doom), and a dirty chick on the end of my dick.  No more caring and no more thoughts.  All that will be left is black tar and hideous lower back tattoos.  Get like me and accept the inevitable.

Sex, Drugs, and Sheen

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2011 by Suge White

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Can we please stop talking about Charlie Sheen?  I will admit that I do it myself but there’s no denying that it’s a worn out story.  Infatuation is down right unhealthy.  We shouldn’t spend so much otherwise liveable time hemorrhaging over the downfall of a single drug infested individual.  Charlie Sheen is hardly the first celebrity to meet the downfall of drugs.  Let us not forget Keith Richards, Bobby and Whitney, or all of those “that kid who was in all those movies”.  They are all just people… who occasionally smoke crack and fantasize about creating sex mansions.  I think that it’s time that we all start living like celebrities because, obviously, that’s what peaks the interest Americans.  We should go out, do our own drugs, fuck our own hookers, and create our own temporarily quotable moments of pure insanity.  I don’t know about you but while I may not be able to afford a suitecase filled with blow, I could probably afford to fill a camera case or a small jewelry box if I really wanted… and lets be honest, that’s still alot of blow (or so I’ve heard…. from other people).

Get Me Out Of Here

Posted in Make Decisions with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Right now, it’s cold enough to melt fire.  All winter long, the snow has been accumalting like our national debt but it’s the bone chilling wind that really bothers me.  This wind could rip the nipples off a rhino.  With climate change ready to bust it’s load all over planet earth, I fear this sort of torture will become more common.  A hasty retreat may be my only option but where should I go? Perhaps Libya?  If Qaddafi has taught me anything, it is that you can find some really nice sunglasses in Libya.  Maybe I could go to the Ivory Coast.  They have an internationally recognized president who does nothing and then they have guy who just runs shit.  Sounds like Bush and Cheney. What about Amsterdam?  Supposedly they are now trying to limit drug use amongst foreigners.  So in other words, I will not be going there.  Iowa? Okay, that’s a joke.  Who the fuck would want to live in Iowa? For some unknown reason, when I think Iowa, I think hobo hotbed.  If I don’t know how to hop a train or how to cook beans over a dumpster fire, I don’t think I’d survive a week in Iowa.  That leaves me with Texas. The land of steers and queers, or so they say.  Which gets me thinking, if Texas has both queers and steers, it would beg to reason that there must be some segment of the population that’s is both queer and steer.  With that being said, what does a gay cow taste like and would I want to eat it?  I’m certainly not prejudiced against cows or bulls that chose to live an alternative lifestyle but I also don’t want my cow to taste like it spent it’s life fighting for acceptance in a cruel world, while simultaneously playing women’s hockey.  And if I’m eating a bull and it tastes like it enjoyed a good bubble bath, a night of dancing, and a stiff cosmopolitan,  I’m not sure how I’ll react.  If nothing else, at least it’ll be rich in protein, I guess. 

Egypt, Don’t Worry Because I Wasn’t Planning On Going To You Anyway

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People with tags , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Egypt sure has been going crazy the past couple weeks.  They are teaching the world about some civil unrest.  Before this, I thought unrest was what happens when a person goes on a week long meth binge. Apparently, I was misinformed. Now, I think I’ve watched enough TV to realize that the Middle East is a place that no one should visit… ever. With that being said, I find it funny that so many western journalists are going over there to report on the situation, only for a crowd of rowdy mummies to beat them like adopted Russian children with behavioral problems. They come back to the states, get on the airwaves, and tell us all about their experience. Is this supposed to be news? What the hell did they think was going to happen? These people are angry and should probably be left alone. It’s like stepping into a dog fighting ring with a t-bone steak hanging off the end of your cock and expecting to walk out a fully functioning man. Its not going to happen. Don’t turn around, put yourself on TV, and act like its a surprise. You should have known what would happen and you have no one to blame but yourself for letting it happen.

That Is Too Much To Ask

Posted in Stop with tags , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011 by Suge White

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I hate my friends. You know the type. They are the ones that want you to help them move or need a jump when their car dies. I know I should be more willing to help but can’t you see I have more important things to do? Your ill-timed phone call just interrupted my TV watching or an attempt to string myself up in a closet like David Carridine during an act of sexual asphyxiation, with the help of a local hooker named Sasha. Don’t you know these hookers charge by the hour? My friends should know by now that I will party with them, help them in a fight, or, in a pinch, help them apply sun screen to their back in a less than heterosexual manner (just to make them feel uncomfortable). However, anything more than that is asking alot. You want me to go to your wedding? Will there be an open bar? You want me to babysit your kids for a few hours? Can I give them some codeine and a shot of whiskey so they’ll pass out and shut the fuck up? You want me to give you a ride to the store in exchange for gas money? Do I look like a fucking taxi driver to you? So for future reference, unless you have a dead body rolled up in that rug, stop being lazy and carry it your damn self.