Archive for the Hero Category

A Man Of Extreme Passion

Posted in Hero with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2011 by Suge White

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“…this man was one of extreme passion.  His name was Tommy Heinsohn”  –  a great 17th century poet (whose name I cannot recall).

Watching Boston Celtics basketball is a beautiful thing on its own but that beauty is certainly enhanced by the wise words of Tommy Heinsohn.  His hate for the opposition is viseral, while  his love for the green and white is nothing short of glorious.  His ability to remain uncontrollably biased in the face of the most irrefutable evidence is the epitome of honor.  In fact, I wish I had that kind of support in my every day life.  Think about it.  Who wouldn’t feel better if Tommy was there to give his support when you put down the box of Fruit Loops and pick up the Cheerios.  Maybe I could get a few breaks from the police attempting to give me speeding tickets if he was in the front seat yelling at them as soon as they got to my window.  And I, for one, would be much better off if he was there to demand a foul everytime a girl tried to slip me a finger during a heated sexual exchange.  Even if the referee didn’t see it, at least Tommy will be there calling for a flagrant foul.  The possibilities are almost as endless as his loyalty.  So as you watch the NBA playoffs, remember that Tommy Heinsohn is a saintly figure that should be praised at every turn.  Remember that the scotch coursing through his veins is free of that Protestant taint.  And remember, his dedication is a shining example for every child in this country who wears a Celtics jersey.

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Big Girls Don’t Cry But Sometimes Big Boys Do

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Suge White

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This past weekend, I watched a grown ass man officially lose his fucking mind.  I can’t call this goon out by name because it’s one thing to have his picture up on this website but it’s another thing all together to then post a ridiculously disparaging story about him that may contain some factual inaccuracies. So without any further delay, you shall witness the deconstruction of a Local Goon.
Over the previous weekend, I witnessed an event that truly turned my insides out. This event involved a 27 year old man-child, more mentally equipped to drink his beer from a sippy cup than from his own still sweaty work boot (1st shot), and a party filled with more sausage and less females than you could shake a stick at.  During a recent house party, this boy-with-lady-parts decided it was necessary to start a fight, lose the fight, throw a hissy fit, get slapped around some more, and then trash the place.  I know, nothing out of the ordinary there and I will totally neglect to mention that we were drinking a grain alcohol concoction that I suggested. The problem with this incident was that it was his own house that he shared with some other Local Goons.  He was in the process of moving out but this doesn’t excuse a God Damn thing because the others were not moving. He smashed the house’s big screen TV, broke tables, broke bottles, and broke his already broken reputation (2nd shot). This particular Goon has dressed up in women’s clothing, attempted to kiss the Big Hug (Local Goon) on several occasions, probably drank a wine cooler or two, and probably pissed all over himself after drinking those wine coolers (3rd shot). Even with this man’s entire feminine history, nobody ever thought he could act like such a bitch. With all that said, we shall still have love for this Goon. Though he has been exiled and has burned every bridge he has on his way out of town, we still love him.  We all fully assume that some day soon we will see this little red Corvette (prince reference) paddling across a raging river on an inflatable blow up doll that possibly originated from some place in Asia (because that’s his thing). He will be doing so while the flames on those bridges he burned are still red hot but I’ll be damned if we don’t pull him ashore.  He’s still a goon and, believe it or not, even a goon can be forgiven.

And while I said I wouldn’t identify this Goon, you really need to watch this YouTube clip. I just couldn’t help myself because I’m a fucking asshole.

We’ve Gone Too Far

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2010 by Suge White

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What can I say? It took 27 years to realize that I’m entirely too attached to my own decadence.  After celebrating yet another lackluster year of my life in extraordinary fashion, I’ve come to the conclusion that we goons take things too far.  Here’s why.  On Wednesday, I drank a bit… On Thursday, I drank a bit more…  On Friday, I drank ALL OF IT with a Scrilla and Rocky (local Goons)… On Saturday, I woke up hungover and puked in my own car while driving on the highway to meet some friends for lunch… On Sunday, I woke up with a day 2 hangover that could only be cured with a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, a boat load of coffee, and possibly some drugs that could be used to battle the Ebola virus.  I think its safe to say that only one day of celebratory libations was necessary.

I Make Mistakes… Often

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2010 by Suge White

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I have recently discovered that my life is nothing more than a series of terrible life choices.  When a situation arises, I generally decide what the best course of action is and then do the opposite.  I’m serious.  This is much more than drinking with a hangover because, let’s face it, we all do that (Yes, even you, dead Gandhi).  All I know is that if there is a God, he is probably mighty dissapointed with me.  They told me not to take that last shot at the bar… I did it anyway.  They told me not to sleep with that lady… I did it anyway (unprotected, mind you).  They told not to dip my junk in that pot of boiling water… actually, I still didn’t do that because I’m not fucking retarded.  As a matter of fact, fuck you for even thinking that I would actually consider doing that shit… fucking assholes.

A letter to Wyclef

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Listen, Make Decisions, Stop with tags , , , , , , on July 27, 2010 by Suge White

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Dear Wyclef,

I was just flipping channels and saw that you are thinking about running for president of Haiti. Are you fucking serious? This move would make Lauryn Hill’s mental state look like Bill ‘fucking’ Gates! Since when was it not enough to just make hit fucking records? Now you have to be a fucking president? You think you’re ‘helping’ the people but clearly you were born out of incest because your thoughts are fucking retarded. Are you going to make more money as a hip hop legend or as the president of Haiti? That should be a rhetorical question, at this point. Make your millions and use that money to help the people… all the people. Being president would only hinder your philanthropy. You don’t see Bono pulling this shit… and he’s a way bigger douche bag than you’ll ever be. So take a tip from U2’s questionably heterosexual frontman and just be a rockstar that gives back to the people. However, if you ever start wearing eyeliner and shitty purple sunglasses I’ll come find you and slap the shit out of you for completely ruining my memory of the Fugees. You’re our my last hope!

Sincerely,
Hustle Womens

RIP STEVE “HALFIE” LARSON

Posted in Disaster, Hero, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , on July 19, 2010 by Suge White

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Although you may have pissed me off many times, I’ll still miss your ridiculous antics. Your insensitivity regarding Danny’s ‘ethnic issues’ will never be matched, although, I’m sure you know we will try. Be easy my dude and Rest In Peace!
P.S. – Cop some analingus from an angel for me and keep them warmed up for when I get there.

You’d Never See Michael Jordan Doing This Shit

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Look, Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2010 by Suge White

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Have you seen Kobe Bryant’s latest photoshoot? Only Kobe could get caught looking like this. Some people may reference the picture of a shirtless Tom Brady holding a goat but at least he looked like a man… a man possibly saving a wounded goats life. Kobe looks like a woman, or a man trying to look like a woman. I dont even have a problem with his outfit. Diddy has been dressing like this for years. The problem with the Kobe photoshoot is those ‘I kissed a boy’ eyes of his on top of all that make-up. I need to find Kevin Garnett’s reaction to this.