Across State Lines

Today I bring you the 70th edition of ‘Who Wants To Be a Creepy Internet Blogger?’. I will discuss my recent trips to Philadelphia and New York, as well as, some other necessary topics. I shall start with Philly. You suck! No, I’m serious. You really suck. I’m trying not to lump all Pennsylvanians together here, because I know some genuinely awesome people from PA (Ok, maybe just know 1 or 2, 3 at the most), but Philly is terrible. Sure, its got history but that’s about it. And don’t even fucking say that they have cheese steaks because I had their cheese steaks and was not impressed.  I got half way through my second sandwich in the Geno’s vs. Pat’s cheese steak challenge when I thought to myself, “These aren’t nearly as good as everyone made them out to be”.  Seriously, a retard in a high school Home Economics class could make a better sandwich, or at least one that is equally unappealing.  All you need is a box of Steak Ums and some nacho cheese and in the words of Emeril Lagasse “BOOM!”, you have a cheese steak.  And that my friends, is nothing to write home about.  Next stop, New York City.  Somehow I’ve managed to go 26 years without stepping foot in the city but it was worth the wait.  It was fucking amazing, especially after my uneventful trip to Philly.  Usually I don’t like people, let alone large groups of them, congregating on every corner of the horizon.  However, New York had so many people, I felt alone… until I told that girl waiting in the bathroom line at the Union Square Starbucks that the toilet was now out-of-order, as I was walking out, adjusting my belt buckle.  surprisingly, the girl laughed at my lame ass brand of toilet humor.  What an amazing world we live in.  It’s as if the city was made to be one giant natural hallucination.  The one thing that my trip to New York left me thinking was, “No wonder they call it the city that never sleeps.  How could you with all those fucking lights?”      

Here are some ridiculous pictures of the Goons and myself gallivanting across state lines.

Bill Burr somes up the people of Philly right here… trust me, watch the whole thing.  its awesome

Planes, Trains, and Old Folks in Automobiles

Everyone who has every taken a ride in an automobile has experienced the elderly driver. These drivers seem to go at least 15-20 mph. below the speed limit at all times. Most of us view this as a problem, or at least a major inconvenience. Did they not see the sign that gave them permission to accelerate to at least double their current speed? Did they not see the row of 10 cars that begins no more than 2 feet from the back of their car? The answer is very simple. No they didn’t, nor could they… and if they did they still would no give a fuck. They can see directly in front of them and thats what really matters. I know that we are always late for work when we get stuck behind an elderly driver but don’t forget that the coffee will always be hot at Dunkin Donuts. It doesn’t matter how long it takes them to get their, they are never late. You may be running late but they fought in WWII or worked at the post office for 50 years. And for god’s sake, Gerry has date with Edith and he’ll be damned if misses it. Another thought on the matter: I wonder if any of them actually intend to start a parade on their way to the next leisurely activity. Who knows? Maybe the driver is a shriner and therefore it is his responsibility to practice parading. Pleasure without intemperance. Apparentally, the without intemperance part applies to their driving as well. But do you blame them? They have been around for damn near 100 years and should be allowed to carry on as they see, or do not see, fit. Granted, if they ever crash into a building while trying to back out of a parking spot their should be reprecussions. Maybe someone should take away their motorized scooters and make them ride tricycles around the super market… or force them to watch the next shriners parade from a closed circut television at a Prince concert. And I’m sorry but if this doesn’t work maybe we should just start putting them down like unwanted pets. But until one of these unfortunate incidents occur they are the true kings and queens of the road. Also keep in mind, if an elderly driver ever flips you off on the road you must have really fucked up. They might not be able to see you but they certainly must have felt your presence, much like an impending German Howitzer round or a supermarkets decision to stop carrying TaB soda. They simple knew that you were trouble. -I love you Gramma, and God Speed.