Animals That We Have Kidnapped And Forced Into Servitude


So lets get one thing straight, I like animals.  Pets especially. I wish I could talk to my dog on a more personal level so I could really thank him for everything. “Hey man, you let me steal you from your mother at a real young age, hold you against your will, and force you to entertain people around me. I dig that about you. Oh and sorry about that time the doctor cut your balls out.  I promise that won’t happen again”. Seriously, if I was my dog I would fucking hate me. I love him but I’m just terrible at owning him. He looks at me with those ‘please feed me puppy dog eyes’.  I just tell him straight up “Dude, I have less money than you… and you’re a dog. You have no money but I can’t even pay last months rent. So seriously, can I borrow $20?”.  So now,  I just let him eat from the fridge.  I take him to the park but that’s just humiliating.   Look at what people do to dogs at parks.  Its terrible.  We could play fetch or as I like to call it, ‘Make you go get this stick I threw so you spend more time over there and less time over here bothering me’. Or how about we play tug of war otherwise known as, ‘You seem to be enjoying this piece of rope so I’m going to try and take it away from you’.  What is this? China?  After all that psychological abuse, I make him shit out in the open in front of a bunch of people. If someone did that to me I’d be pretty mad. I can’t believe this dog doesn’t bite me square in the Blarney Stones after one of these outings.  For everything I’ve ever done, I’m sorry Moses (local goon).

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