Archive for massachusetts

A Man Of Extreme Passion

Posted in Hero with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2011 by Suge White

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“…this man was one of extreme passion.  His name was Tommy Heinsohn”  –  a great 17th century poet (whose name I cannot recall).

Watching Boston Celtics basketball is a beautiful thing on its own but that beauty is certainly enhanced by the wise words of Tommy Heinsohn.  His hate for the opposition is viseral, while  his love for the green and white is nothing short of glorious.  His ability to remain uncontrollably biased in the face of the most irrefutable evidence is the epitome of honor.  In fact, I wish I had that kind of support in my every day life.  Think about it.  Who wouldn’t feel better if Tommy was there to give his support when you put down the box of Fruit Loops and pick up the Cheerios.  Maybe I could get a few breaks from the police attempting to give me speeding tickets if he was in the front seat yelling at them as soon as they got to my window.  And I, for one, would be much better off if he was there to demand a foul everytime a girl tried to slip me a finger during a heated sexual exchange.  Even if the referee didn’t see it, at least Tommy will be there calling for a flagrant foul.  The possibilities are almost as endless as his loyalty.  So as you watch the NBA playoffs, remember that Tommy Heinsohn is a saintly figure that should be praised at every turn.  Remember that the scotch coursing through his veins is free of that Protestant taint.  And remember, his dedication is a shining example for every child in this country who wears a Celtics jersey.

Wintery Retards

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2011 by Suge White

Well, I live in a land that is currently buried up to Shaquille O’Neil’s nipples in snow.  However, that does not give anyone, even me, the right to complain.  We choose to live here…. and I say this assuming that no infants, domesticated animals, slaves, or Russian spies follow my incoherent ramblings. So now that you all know that we shouldn’t be complaining, STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING! So what if it takes you an extra hour to get to work? Fucking suck it up, get up up early, dig your God damn car out the snow, and slip-and-slide your ass to work. I’ve lived in Massachusetts for 27 years, I am well aware that it gets cold in the winter and that occasionally some sort of slick white stuff falls from the sky.  I’ve learned to deal with it and to take those opportunities to make cheap shot jokes at the likes of Darryl Strawberry and Charlie Sheen. And if your not the type to ridicule others for their excessively publicized indiscretions, just keep your mouth shut and carry on. Don’t give me this ‘I can’t believe how slick these roads are’ horse shit. If you honestly can’t believe this is happening, you are a retard.

I Have Some Reservations

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I will offer up a first at hustlewomens.com. I will give a review on my favorite television show, No Reservations. This needs to be done, if only because Anthony Bourdain has crushed my less than conciliatory stance towards the French.  Once I get past his ethnic deficiencies, I can’t help but see that this man posses many of the life goals and aspiritations that I hold. He travels the world with the well intentioned goals of eating exotic food, drinking non domestic beer, and generally ridiculing his foreign hosts. His love of alcohol, his appreciation of punk rock, and his questioning of weird Russian men who come across as potentially homosexual, are all qualities that I admire greatly. Dare I say, this show is pure genius. I also live my life with the very natural intention of letting others know that I am better than them, while also feigning interest in their unique perspective, so I can’t help but appreciate this show. But don’t get me wrong. I would love the chance to prove my superiority to Mr. Bourdain himself. With that being declared, just know that I never have to meet the man in order to do so.  One simple sentence will suffice. I have not once tried heroin, let alone done so multiple times. Mr. Womens 1, Mr. No Reservations 0. I win.  Now that I have proved my superiority over such a deeply flawed opponent in a fashion not seen since the Falkland War, I must admit that I have a genuine respect for his man. He eats food I would never dare eat, he probably bangs women I can only dreambof touching, all while doing drugs I would never even attempt to procure. Anthony Bourdain, God speed.

Hustle Womens 4 President!

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2010 by Suge White

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Another election season come and gone and nothing has changed for Mr. Womens. Let me break it down: Some rich people won and some rich people lost, the country is still uncomfortable with minorities and hateful towards gays, and weed is still illegal. What can I say? I’ve learned not to expect much from politics. Elections are like life. Many people come and go but very few, if any, make a lasting impression and the ones who do don’t always stick around to see it.  Some people will help you, some people will hurt you but, in the end, everyone is out for themselves. Never forget that! So if you are disappointed about the election results, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If you live in Massachusetts and are unhappy, go buy some now-cheaper-because-of-the-election booze and drown your sorrows. If you live in Nevada and are unhappy, go bang a prostitute because that’s still legal. If you live in Kentucky and are unhappy, go make some whiskey because, lets be honest, that’s the only legal activity you are good at. If you live in Florida and are unhappy, do anything that doesn’t involve getting in a car because you are probably really old and so terrible at driving that you are a danger to everyone on the road, in any parking lot, or in any storefront that you could possibly drive into. Whatever the case may be, try to move on…. and try to keep your grandparents from driving (I can’t get over it).

Fix These Roads

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Listen, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2010 by Suge White

Yesterday, I hit a pothole and wrecked the transmission in my car. Does this shit happen to other people, or just me?  Isn’t it somebody’s job to fix these?  Fucking lazy pricks!  Do your job!  Now, back to the holes.  I think we should stop calling them potholes and start calling them assholes because that’s what they are…. ASSHOLES.  Fucking ridiculous! I want to fill in that pothole with my shit, which I will then piss on.  Or maybe I’ll just tea bag the pothole. You’ll drive by and see me with my pants around my ankles and my balls in a hole in the road. How would you like that pothole? You wouldn’t, would you?

Live and Learn

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Listen, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2010 by Suge White

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I’m 26 years into this life and I’m stilling finding new things that I’m not supposed to do. I will give you a rundown on what I’ve learned. First off, don’t tell somebody on Ash Wednesday that they’ve ‘got some shit on their face’. Apparently ash and shit are not the same and I’m supposed to know the difference. Second, never ask a cop how you can tell if the crack you just bought is laced. You are better off asking how to tell if the crack you just SMOKED is laced. Lastly, never wear a diaper unless you are absolutely certain that you’re going to need it because even if its empty, it still look like there’s a load in your pants.

Epic

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Listen, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by Suge White

Epic.  That is the only word that can describe this past weekend.  Not because it was an especially exciting time but because the failures of the weekend will live on in infamy for years to come.  Lets just put it this way,  the Goons were out in full force and that didn’t bode well for anyone… especially for us Goons.  I’m going to do this Quentin Tarantino style and give you the ending first.  Scrilla (Local Goon) and I were dragged out of the bar.  Then we got into a fight on the sidewalk, during which, no punches were landed.  Epic failure.  It all started with us sucking down John Dalys (iced tea, lemonade, vodka) at a break neck speed.  By the way, John Dalys are now known as Cool Hand Lukes because the mix is much better with the Paul Newman half and half, as opposed to the Arnold Palmer half and half Arizona makes.  Anyway, by the time we left the house we were all Nick Nolte’ed (if you don’t know what that means, see bottom of post).  At the first bar, more work was done, with us drinking several shots in short succession.  However, the work would not last long.  Our time at that bar ended with me dumping my freshly poured Miller Lite into some young ladys lap… and it was NO accident.  I’m sorry, if you are going to be a bitch for no reason at all, you may get a beer dumped on you from time to time.  We aren’t going to get into exactly what she did because first off, I don’t remember and second off, I don’t want the possible facts to get in the way of an awesome memory, in which I swooped in like a super hero and defended my friends’ honor by dumping a beer on some dolled up bitch with a fist up her ass.  This is my blog so I make the fucking rules… and my rules say she deserved it!      

 Nick Nolte