Archive for travel

I Sometimes Watch Sports: Week 2

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2011 by Suge White

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WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The Red Sox are currently playing like a punch of adolescent half-boys with significant ankle problems.  Who cares if they won 8 of there last 10? The starting pitching looks good, at least what’s left of them, but the bullpen is a mess and there are a couple of good-for-nothing, high priced, hookers roaming the outfield. If J.D Drew and Carl Crawford were prostitutes, they would be the kind that will blow you in the backseat of a Buick for nothing more than a couple of cheesburgers or a tube of Herpicin.  Being a half game out of first place is nothing more than a silver lining for a storm cloud preparing to drive an F-5 tornado up your ass. Hopefully, next week we will once again be the greatest team ever assembled.But right now I’m scared.

Royal Douchebaggery

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Egypt, Don’t Worry Because I Wasn’t Planning On Going To You Anyway

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People with tags , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Egypt sure has been going crazy the past couple weeks.  They are teaching the world about some civil unrest.  Before this, I thought unrest was what happens when a person goes on a week long meth binge. Apparently, I was misinformed. Now, I think I’ve watched enough TV to realize that the Middle East is a place that no one should visit… ever. With that being said, I find it funny that so many western journalists are going over there to report on the situation, only for a crowd of rowdy mummies to beat them like adopted Russian children with behavioral problems. They come back to the states, get on the airwaves, and tell us all about their experience. Is this supposed to be news? What the hell did they think was going to happen? These people are angry and should probably be left alone. It’s like stepping into a dog fighting ring with a t-bone steak hanging off the end of your cock and expecting to walk out a fully functioning man. Its not going to happen. Don’t turn around, put yourself on TV, and act like its a surprise. You should have known what would happen and you have no one to blame but yourself for letting it happen.

That Is Too Much To Ask

Posted in Stop with tags , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011 by Suge White

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I hate my friends. You know the type. They are the ones that want you to help them move or need a jump when their car dies. I know I should be more willing to help but can’t you see I have more important things to do? Your ill-timed phone call just interrupted my TV watching or an attempt to string myself up in a closet like David Carridine during an act of sexual asphyxiation, with the help of a local hooker named Sasha. Don’t you know these hookers charge by the hour? My friends should know by now that I will party with them, help them in a fight, or, in a pinch, help them apply sun screen to their back in a less than heterosexual manner (just to make them feel uncomfortable). However, anything more than that is asking alot. You want me to go to your wedding? Will there be an open bar? You want me to babysit your kids for a few hours? Can I give them some codeine and a shot of whiskey so they’ll pass out and shut the fuck up? You want me to give you a ride to the store in exchange for gas money? Do I look like a fucking taxi driver to you? So for future reference, unless you have a dead body rolled up in that rug, stop being lazy and carry it your damn self.

I Have Some Reservations

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I will offer up a first at hustlewomens.com. I will give a review on my favorite television show, No Reservations. This needs to be done, if only because Anthony Bourdain has crushed my less than conciliatory stance towards the French.  Once I get past his ethnic deficiencies, I can’t help but see that this man posses many of the life goals and aspiritations that I hold. He travels the world with the well intentioned goals of eating exotic food, drinking non domestic beer, and generally ridiculing his foreign hosts. His love of alcohol, his appreciation of punk rock, and his questioning of weird Russian men who come across as potentially homosexual, are all qualities that I admire greatly. Dare I say, this show is pure genius. I also live my life with the very natural intention of letting others know that I am better than them, while also feigning interest in their unique perspective, so I can’t help but appreciate this show. But don’t get me wrong. I would love the chance to prove my superiority to Mr. Bourdain himself. With that being declared, just know that I never have to meet the man in order to do so.  One simple sentence will suffice. I have not once tried heroin, let alone done so multiple times. Mr. Womens 1, Mr. No Reservations 0. I win.  Now that I have proved my superiority over such a deeply flawed opponent in a fashion not seen since the Falkland War, I must admit that I have a genuine respect for his man. He eats food I would never dare eat, he probably bangs women I can only dreambof touching, all while doing drugs I would never even attempt to procure. Anthony Bourdain, God speed.

Across State Lines

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Look, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2010 by Suge White

Today I bring you the 70th edition of ‘Who Wants To Be a Creepy Internet Blogger?’. I will discuss my recent trips to Philadelphia and New York, as well as, some other necessary topics. I shall start with Philly. You suck! No, I’m serious. You really suck. I’m trying not to lump all Pennsylvanians together here, because I know some genuinely awesome people from PA (Ok, maybe just know 1 or 2, 3 at the most), but Philly is terrible. Sure, its got history but that’s about it. And don’t even fucking say that they have cheese steaks because I had their cheese steaks and was not impressed.  I got half way through my second sandwich in the Geno’s vs. Pat’s cheese steak challenge when I thought to myself, “These aren’t nearly as good as everyone made them out to be”.  Seriously, a retard in a high school Home Economics class could make a better sandwich, or at least one that is equally unappealing.  All you need is a box of Steak Ums and some nacho cheese and in the words of Emeril Lagasse “BOOM!”, you have a cheese steak.  And that my friends, is nothing to write home about.  Next stop, New York City.  Somehow I’ve managed to go 26 years without stepping foot in the city but it was worth the wait.  It was fucking amazing, especially after my uneventful trip to Philly.  Usually I don’t like people, let alone large groups of them, congregating on every corner of the horizon.  However, New York had so many people, I felt alone… until I told that girl waiting in the bathroom line at the Union Square Starbucks that the toilet was now out-of-order, as I was walking out, adjusting my belt buckle.  surprisingly, the girl laughed at my lame ass brand of toilet humor.  What an amazing world we live in.  It’s as if the city was made to be one giant natural hallucination.  The one thing that my trip to New York left me thinking was, “No wonder they call it the city that never sleeps.  How could you with all those fucking lights?”      

Here are some ridiculous pictures of the Goons and myself gallivanting across state lines.

Bill Burr somes up the people of Philly right here… trust me, watch the whole thing.  its awesome