Archive for beer

Graduation

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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After much tribulation, I have finally attained a college degree. Don’t ask what I learned because I didn’t learn much.  Don’t ask how I did it because I don’t remember. Just know that it is done. During this time, I drank too much, I practiced unsafe promiscuity, and I once attempted to register a pumpkin to vote. Needless to say, these years have been very important to my personal development. But now, we move on. Now when I drink beer, I won’t be a student. I’ll be a drunk.  Now when I pull a prank, I won’t be a class clown.  I’ll be an asshole. And now if I pick up some chick at a party, I won’t be just having fun.  I’ll be having herpes. With the proper reflection, I would say that I need to go back to school so I can avoid this fate.  However, I’m far to drunk to reflect and now I have to go to the store to buy some cream.

Big Girls Don’t Cry But Sometimes Big Boys Do

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Suge White

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This past weekend, I watched a grown ass man officially lose his fucking mind.  I can’t call this goon out by name because it’s one thing to have his picture up on this website but it’s another thing all together to then post a ridiculously disparaging story about him that may contain some factual inaccuracies. So without any further delay, you shall witness the deconstruction of a Local Goon.
Over the previous weekend, I witnessed an event that truly turned my insides out. This event involved a 27 year old man-child, more mentally equipped to drink his beer from a sippy cup than from his own still sweaty work boot (1st shot), and a party filled with more sausage and less females than you could shake a stick at.  During a recent house party, this boy-with-lady-parts decided it was necessary to start a fight, lose the fight, throw a hissy fit, get slapped around some more, and then trash the place.  I know, nothing out of the ordinary there and I will totally neglect to mention that we were drinking a grain alcohol concoction that I suggested. The problem with this incident was that it was his own house that he shared with some other Local Goons.  He was in the process of moving out but this doesn’t excuse a God Damn thing because the others were not moving. He smashed the house’s big screen TV, broke tables, broke bottles, and broke his already broken reputation (2nd shot). This particular Goon has dressed up in women’s clothing, attempted to kiss the Big Hug (Local Goon) on several occasions, probably drank a wine cooler or two, and probably pissed all over himself after drinking those wine coolers (3rd shot). Even with this man’s entire feminine history, nobody ever thought he could act like such a bitch. With all that said, we shall still have love for this Goon. Though he has been exiled and has burned every bridge he has on his way out of town, we still love him.  We all fully assume that some day soon we will see this little red Corvette (prince reference) paddling across a raging river on an inflatable blow up doll that possibly originated from some place in Asia (because that’s his thing). He will be doing so while the flames on those bridges he burned are still red hot but I’ll be damned if we don’t pull him ashore.  He’s still a goon and, believe it or not, even a goon can be forgiven.

And while I said I wouldn’t identify this Goon, you really need to watch this YouTube clip. I just couldn’t help myself because I’m a fucking asshole.

Epic

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Listen, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by Suge White

Epic.  That is the only word that can describe this past weekend.  Not because it was an especially exciting time but because the failures of the weekend will live on in infamy for years to come.  Lets just put it this way,  the Goons were out in full force and that didn’t bode well for anyone… especially for us Goons.  I’m going to do this Quentin Tarantino style and give you the ending first.  Scrilla (Local Goon) and I were dragged out of the bar.  Then we got into a fight on the sidewalk, during which, no punches were landed.  Epic failure.  It all started with us sucking down John Dalys (iced tea, lemonade, vodka) at a break neck speed.  By the way, John Dalys are now known as Cool Hand Lukes because the mix is much better with the Paul Newman half and half, as opposed to the Arnold Palmer half and half Arizona makes.  Anyway, by the time we left the house we were all Nick Nolte’ed (if you don’t know what that means, see bottom of post).  At the first bar, more work was done, with us drinking several shots in short succession.  However, the work would not last long.  Our time at that bar ended with me dumping my freshly poured Miller Lite into some young ladys lap… and it was NO accident.  I’m sorry, if you are going to be a bitch for no reason at all, you may get a beer dumped on you from time to time.  We aren’t going to get into exactly what she did because first off, I don’t remember and second off, I don’t want the possible facts to get in the way of an awesome memory, in which I swooped in like a super hero and defended my friends’ honor by dumping a beer on some dolled up bitch with a fist up her ass.  This is my blog so I make the fucking rules… and my rules say she deserved it!      

 Nick Nolte

Real Man Shit

Posted in Great American Pastimes, Hero, Listen, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2009 by Suge White

Real Man Shit – to perform the actions of a real man
This idea was first brought to me through the brillant thoughts of the Big Hug (Local Goon).  The concept of real man shit is pretty straight forward but let me explain. Going to a Britney Spears concert is not real man shit. However, buying front row tickets to a Britney Spears concert for the sole purpose of trying to look up her skirt is real man shit. Bud Light Limes = not Real Man Shit. 6 Bud Light Limes consumed at one time through a funnel = Real Man Shit. Got it? Ok. Now I will proceed to my top 5.

5.  Going to a buffet, eating till you can’t possibly eat anymore, and then having another plate

4.  Drinking over 30  beers in a day just to prove a point… and believe me, it’s been done

3.  Fixing your car with glue, duct tape, or bungee cords

2.  Paying a hooker to be your date for a  wedding

1.   Taking a shit while drinking a beer, smoking a joint, or eating a cheeseburger… and yes, it has to be a cheeseburger

Hibernation Complete

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , on August 29, 2009 by Suge White

sleepy_bearI’ve been in hibernation for the past 3 weeks.  That usually happens after winning the Tournament of Champions.  I guess by winning the T. O. C. you actually lose… at life.  Well anyways, that’s right, I won.  I drank 34 beers in 24 hours.  I could have done better but I didn’t stick to the game plan.  I went out there and just freelanced for 24 hours.  Somehow I came out on top.  Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve bottled up many emotions.  Now those emotions are going to come spewing out.  I’m like a giant ejaculating penis of emotions… that kind of sounds weird but anyways, here it goes.

The first time I ever heard of the show “Locked Up Abroad”, I had a totally different vision of what that show would be like.  However, I was unbelievable disappointed to find out that abroad was 1 word in this case and not 2.  “Locked Up a  Broad” would be a way better show.  (I know it’s not funny after they found that girl, who had been locked in that guys shed for 18 years, but I thought of this premise way before I saw that on the news so this is still funny to me).

Whoever directed the movie ‘Congo’ should be tied down and forced to watch the movie ‘Congo’ for 12 hours straight… and then raped by a gorilla.  I will admit that my only beef with this movie, other than it’s horrendiousness, is that it was on T.V. this morning and Chris (Local Goon… and watcher of terrible movies at strange hours) was watching it with the volume turned up quite high.  I could fucking hear every word from my bedroom.  If I hear one more word about Amy the talking gorilla, I’m going to go outside and strangle something.

What the fuck is the deal with Bud Light Lime?  To all those who have had a Bud Light Lime and enjoyed it… FUCK YOU!  If you want lime in your beer, cut up a fucking  lime and put it in your beer.  I don’t know, or care, what anyone else thinks but I certainly don’t trust Budweisers lime picking abilities.  I can go to the store and pick out my own God damn limes thank you very much!  This is just another way for corporate American to dictate our laziness… and trust me, I’m lazy enough without them giving me a reason to be more lazy.  Also, Bud Light Limes should strictly be for women.  If you’re a man and you drink Bud Light Lime, you need to start sitting down when you pee.  I’m serious.

Drinking… That’s All

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2009 by Suge White

Baby-Drinking-BeerThe time has come.  10 A.M. tomorrow morning marks the beginning of the Tournament of Champions.  24 hours of heavy drinking and accidental fornication.  There can only be one champion, unless Sleazy E. (Local Goon)  awakes early Sunday morning and pisses on everyone because he is upset that he passed out after drinking only 6 beers.  This would certainly one-up everyone elses drinking exploits.  Now that I think of it though, it would take more than that for him to be declared a champion because  I would be willing to bet at least a half dozen participants will wake up covered in piss even without the Sleaze’s interference.  I hope I don’t wake up covered in piss, mine or anyone elses.