Archive for the Great American Pastimes Category

I Sometimes Watch Sports

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I’m going to start a weekly (subject to change at a drinking binge’s discreation) Red Sox column, discussing the teams progress throughout this arduous season. I won’t watch every game and I won’t ball wash anyone, except maybe myself, but I will let you know how much certain people suck and exactly why they suck. We aren’t here to proclaim royalty of our stars when they are doing well. We are here to criticize the everlasting shit out of them when they underperform because it makes us feel better. Who sits back and cheers for every favorably called strike? No one… unless they are really drunk. However, losing ones mind over a called ball over the outside corner is nothing short of the essence of being a fan. I am an irrational sports fans, Masshole none the less. My column will reflect that. So here it goes.

John Lackey needs to pull his head, and possibly the heads of others, out of his ass. I didn’t like his signing from the minute it was announced. I always suspected that he might be retarded but now he’s apparently an emotionally fragile retard. Calm down, man…  Take a Valium… Eat a cheeseburger… Hell, punch a stripper in the face if you want. Just turn your shit around and start pitching like a man or retire and go play some fucking softball… Jackass! I will put Bobby Jenks into the same category. Although he rid himself of that hideous facial hair once he started sucking the bag, he still sported it for far to long and therefore deserves to be thoroughly criticized for his poor performance. When your goatee looks like string cheese, you should probably do a better job of not having a goatee.  And he certainly hasn’t done that.

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Royal Douchebaggery

Posted in Delicious, Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Graduation

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Suge White

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After much tribulation, I have finally attained a college degree. Don’t ask what I learned because I didn’t learn much.  Don’t ask how I did it because I don’t remember. Just know that it is done. During this time, I drank too much, I practiced unsafe promiscuity, and I once attempted to register a pumpkin to vote. Needless to say, these years have been very important to my personal development. But now, we move on. Now when I drink beer, I won’t be a student. I’ll be a drunk.  Now when I pull a prank, I won’t be a class clown.  I’ll be an asshole. And now if I pick up some chick at a party, I won’t be just having fun.  I’ll be having herpes. With the proper reflection, I would say that I need to go back to school so I can avoid this fate.  However, I’m far to drunk to reflect and now I have to go to the store to buy some cream.

Hustle Womens 4 President!

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2010 by Suge White

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Another election season come and gone and nothing has changed for Mr. Womens. Let me break it down: Some rich people won and some rich people lost, the country is still uncomfortable with minorities and hateful towards gays, and weed is still illegal. What can I say? I’ve learned not to expect much from politics. Elections are like life. Many people come and go but very few, if any, make a lasting impression and the ones who do don’t always stick around to see it.  Some people will help you, some people will hurt you but, in the end, everyone is out for themselves. Never forget that! So if you are disappointed about the election results, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If you live in Massachusetts and are unhappy, go buy some now-cheaper-because-of-the-election booze and drown your sorrows. If you live in Nevada and are unhappy, go bang a prostitute because that’s still legal. If you live in Kentucky and are unhappy, go make some whiskey because, lets be honest, that’s the only legal activity you are good at. If you live in Florida and are unhappy, do anything that doesn’t involve getting in a car because you are probably really old and so terrible at driving that you are a danger to everyone on the road, in any parking lot, or in any storefront that you could possibly drive into. Whatever the case may be, try to move on…. and try to keep your grandparents from driving (I can’t get over it).

Animals That We Have Kidnapped And Forced Into Servitude

Posted in Disaster, Great American Pastimes, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2010 by Suge White

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So lets get one thing straight, I like animals.  Pets especially. I wish I could talk to my dog on a more personal level so I could really thank him for everything. “Hey man, you let me steal you from your mother at a real young age, hold you against your will, and force you to entertain people around me. I dig that about you. Oh and sorry about that time the doctor cut your balls out.  I promise that won’t happen again”. Seriously, if I was my dog I would fucking hate me. I love him but I’m just terrible at owning him. He looks at me with those ‘please feed me puppy dog eyes’.  I just tell him straight up “Dude, I have less money than you… and you’re a dog. You have no money but I can’t even pay last months rent. So seriously, can I borrow $20?”.  So now,  I just let him eat from the fridge.  I take him to the park but that’s just humiliating.   Look at what people do to dogs at parks.  Its terrible.  We could play fetch or as I like to call it, ‘Make you go get this stick I threw so you spend more time over there and less time over here bothering me’. Or how about we play tug of war otherwise known as, ‘You seem to be enjoying this piece of rope so I’m going to try and take it away from you’.  What is this? China?  After all that psychological abuse, I make him shit out in the open in front of a bunch of people. If someone did that to me I’d be pretty mad. I can’t believe this dog doesn’t bite me square in the Blarney Stones after one of these outings.  For everything I’ve ever done, I’m sorry Moses (local goon).

We’ve Gone Too Far

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Hero, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2010 by Suge White

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What can I say? It took 27 years to realize that I’m entirely too attached to my own decadence.  After celebrating yet another lackluster year of my life in extraordinary fashion, I’ve come to the conclusion that we goons take things too far.  Here’s why.  On Wednesday, I drank a bit… On Thursday, I drank a bit more…  On Friday, I drank ALL OF IT with a Scrilla and Rocky (local Goons)… On Saturday, I woke up hungover and puked in my own car while driving on the highway to meet some friends for lunch… On Sunday, I woke up with a day 2 hangover that could only be cured with a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, a boat load of coffee, and possibly some drugs that could be used to battle the Ebola virus.  I think its safe to say that only one day of celebratory libations was necessary.

“Man, I Was Set Up Like a Motha….”

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Great American Pastimes, Look, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop, Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by Suge White

imageSay it ain’t so L.T. After hearing about Lawrence Taylor’s arrest on suspicion of rape, I was left hoping it wasn’t true. History has proved some similar claims false… but not all of them. However, it must be remembered that you can only be famous for so long before someone accuses you of rape. It happens to the best of them. Tyson, Kobe, Roman Polanski, Michael Jackson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar (formerly of Lou Alcinder fame), Big Ben, and now Taylor. I know what you are saying, ‘didn’t Polanski admit it?’ Yes he did but that’s not the point. The point is that he had to be accused first. You may also be asking ‘when did Kareem Abdul Jabbar go through this?’  Well, he didn’t but doesn’t he look like a guy that this could have happened to and some people would have believed he did it? The answer is yes. The bottom line is this only happens to people who look like, or act like, they might be willing to take some ass through force. Taylor definitely looks the part with that high fade/flat-top hybrid that he wore in his playing days and would probably countinue to wear if his age allowed it, and with the single, long, gold, cross earring hanging off his left ear. He also acts the part with his crack smoking and uncomfortably energetic personality (which may be a byproduct of the crack smoking). With all that said, I hope it’s not true.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar looks suspect, that’s all I’m sayin’

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and now more L.T.