I Sometimes Watch Sports: Week 2

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The Red Sox are currently playing like a punch of adolescent half-boys with significant ankle problems.  Who cares if they won 8 of there last 10? The starting pitching looks good, at least what’s left of them, but the bullpen is a mess and there are a couple of good-for-nothing, high priced, hookers roaming the outfield. If J.D Drew and Carl Crawford were prostitutes, they would be the kind that will blow you in the backseat of a Buick for nothing more than a couple of cheesburgers or a tube of Herpicin.  Being a half game out of first place is nothing more than a silver lining for a storm cloud preparing to drive an F-5 tornado up your ass. Hopefully, next week we will once again be the greatest team ever assembled.But right now I’m scared.

I Sometimes Watch Sports

Today, I’m going to start a weekly (subject to change at a drinking binge’s discreation) Red Sox column, discussing the teams progress throughout this arduous season. I won’t watch every game and I won’t ball wash anyone, except maybe myself, but I will let you know how much certain people suck and exactly why they suck. We aren’t here to proclaim royalty of our stars when they are doing well. We are here to criticize the everlasting shit out of them when they underperform because it makes us feel better. Who sits back and cheers for every favorably called strike? No one… unless they are really drunk. However, losing ones mind over a called ball over the outside corner is nothing short of the essence of being a fan. I am an irrational sports fans, Masshole none the less. My column will reflect that. So here it goes.

John Lackey needs to pull his head, and possibly the heads of others, out of his ass. I didn’t like his signing from the minute it was announced. I always suspected that he might be retarded but now he’s apparently an emotionally fragile retard. Calm down, man…  Take a Valium… Eat a cheeseburger… Hell, punch a stripper in the face if you want. Just turn your shit around and start pitching like a man or retire and go play some fucking softball… Jackass! I will put Bobby Jenks into the same category. Although he rid himself of that hideous facial hair once he started sucking the bag, he still sported it for far to long and therefore deserves to be thoroughly criticized for his poor performance. When your goatee looks like string cheese, you should probably do a better job of not having a goatee.  And he certainly hasn’t done that.

Royal Douchebaggery

Who else out there hates royalty? I assume that most of the people reading this are raising their hands in agreement (or would be if they weren’t using that hand to beat off while simultaneously scrolling through this column.  Either way, thank god that wedding shit is over. Now my television is crawling its way back to a normal existence.  Show me some violence. Bin Laden comes close but his death without the head shot is like watching soft core porn. It’s still good but it could be much better. On that note, show me some sex or even some good still photos of the royal bride’s cans. Also, occasionally show me Bad Santa on Spike because let’s be honest, that movie is even awesome on basic cable.

Graduation

After much tribulation, I have finally attained a college degree. Don’t ask what I learned because I didn’t learn much.  Don’t ask how I did it because I don’t remember. Just know that it is done. During this time, I drank too much, I practiced unsafe promiscuity, and I once attempted to register a pumpkin to vote. Needless to say, these years have been very important to my personal development. But now, we move on. Now when I drink beer, I won’t be a student. I’ll be a drunk.  Now when I pull a prank, I won’t be a class clown.  I’ll be an asshole. And now if I pick up some chick at a party, I won’t be just having fun.  I’ll be having herpes. With the proper reflection, I would say that I need to go back to school so I can avoid this fate.  However, I’m far to drunk to reflect and now I have to go to the store to buy some cream.