Archive for sports

I Sometimes Watch Sports: Week 2

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2011 by Suge White

image

image

image

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! The Red Sox are currently playing like a punch of adolescent half-boys with significant ankle problems.  Who cares if they won 8 of there last 10? The starting pitching looks good, at least what’s left of them, but the bullpen is a mess and there are a couple of good-for-nothing, high priced, hookers roaming the outfield. If J.D Drew and Carl Crawford were prostitutes, they would be the kind that will blow you in the backseat of a Buick for nothing more than a couple of cheesburgers or a tube of Herpicin.  Being a half game out of first place is nothing more than a silver lining for a storm cloud preparing to drive an F-5 tornado up your ass. Hopefully, next week we will once again be the greatest team ever assembled.But right now I’m scared.

Advertisements

I Sometimes Watch Sports

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Suge White

image

image

image

image

Today, I’m going to start a weekly (subject to change at a drinking binge’s discreation) Red Sox column, discussing the teams progress throughout this arduous season. I won’t watch every game and I won’t ball wash anyone, except maybe myself, but I will let you know how much certain people suck and exactly why they suck. We aren’t here to proclaim royalty of our stars when they are doing well. We are here to criticize the everlasting shit out of them when they underperform because it makes us feel better. Who sits back and cheers for every favorably called strike? No one… unless they are really drunk. However, losing ones mind over a called ball over the outside corner is nothing short of the essence of being a fan. I am an irrational sports fans, Masshole none the less. My column will reflect that. So here it goes.

John Lackey needs to pull his head, and possibly the heads of others, out of his ass. I didn’t like his signing from the minute it was announced. I always suspected that he might be retarded but now he’s apparently an emotionally fragile retard. Calm down, man…  Take a Valium… Eat a cheeseburger… Hell, punch a stripper in the face if you want. Just turn your shit around and start pitching like a man or retire and go play some fucking softball… Jackass! I will put Bobby Jenks into the same category. Although he rid himself of that hideous facial hair once he started sucking the bag, he still sported it for far to long and therefore deserves to be thoroughly criticized for his poor performance. When your goatee looks like string cheese, you should probably do a better job of not having a goatee.  And he certainly hasn’t done that.

Get Me Out Of Here

Posted in Make Decisions with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Suge White

image

Right now, it’s cold enough to melt fire.  All winter long, the snow has been accumalting like our national debt but it’s the bone chilling wind that really bothers me.  This wind could rip the nipples off a rhino.  With climate change ready to bust it’s load all over planet earth, I fear this sort of torture will become more common.  A hasty retreat may be my only option but where should I go? Perhaps Libya?  If Qaddafi has taught me anything, it is that you can find some really nice sunglasses in Libya.  Maybe I could go to the Ivory Coast.  They have an internationally recognized president who does nothing and then they have guy who just runs shit.  Sounds like Bush and Cheney. What about Amsterdam?  Supposedly they are now trying to limit drug use amongst foreigners.  So in other words, I will not be going there.  Iowa? Okay, that’s a joke.  Who the fuck would want to live in Iowa? For some unknown reason, when I think Iowa, I think hobo hotbed.  If I don’t know how to hop a train or how to cook beans over a dumpster fire, I don’t think I’d survive a week in Iowa.  That leaves me with Texas. The land of steers and queers, or so they say.  Which gets me thinking, if Texas has both queers and steers, it would beg to reason that there must be some segment of the population that’s is both queer and steer.  With that being said, what does a gay cow taste like and would I want to eat it?  I’m certainly not prejudiced against cows or bulls that chose to live an alternative lifestyle but I also don’t want my cow to taste like it spent it’s life fighting for acceptance in a cruel world, while simultaneously playing women’s hockey.  And if I’m eating a bull and it tastes like it enjoyed a good bubble bath, a night of dancing, and a stiff cosmopolitan,  I’m not sure how I’ll react.  If nothing else, at least it’ll be rich in protein, I guess. 

Gathering My Thoughts…. And That’s Not Good For Anyone.

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2011 by Suge White

Here’s to a new year. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve put my insanity out there for the masses. I think my lack of creativity is due to the cold because if my dick is frozen to the side of my leg, the last thing I’ll be doing is writing. Today however, I have pulled apart my appendages, thawed out my frost bitten bait, and am now ready for a little nonsense. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed some things that strike me as unacceptable. First things first, these children need to drink more booze. We need to teach these kids to man up and stop being a bunch of pussies.  I don’t care if you’re wearing a diaper, drink more. Control of your bodily fluids has nothing to do with it. Shit, I know some grown ass men that can’t help but piss all over themselves after they get a few cups of the sauce in them… see Sleazy E (former Goon, now heartless pussy). Next line of business: men with pony tails.  In the words of the great Mike Singletary, “Can’t win with them”. Perhaps I should add a line item to this declaration by saying that if you believe in the virtues of hippy-ism, I may give you a pass for the time being, if only to avoid the wrath of some good friends. Other then these select few, no man should be rocking a pony tail because it makes you look some sort of poor man’s Jesus Christ.  Jesus was poor enough. There is no need to try to one-up him. I’m going after Russian dudes next.  Seriously, get your teeth fixed. I’m sorry Ovechkin, that mangled grill of yours doesn’t make you look rugged. It makes you look like a guy who just smoked 5 grams of crack and is now on the hunt for some little girls bicycle to steal. I can see him now, riding down the street on that pink Huffy with the streamers flying off the handle bars, all the while looking like some sort of Wario on meth. You make millions, dude. Go see a dentist. Sticking with the hockey player theme, we will move on to Sidney Crosby. You mustn’t ever wear that dick-broom you call a mustache ever again. Your skills on the ice may be significant but no amount of skill can make up for that disasterous attempt at facial hair. Keep it clean shaven and maybe you won’t be lambasted by me for looking like John Waters, though I will continue to question your sexual preference. Moving on.  John Boehner needs to stop crying. I’m probably the 1,000th person to comment on this but I might be the only one to notice that every time he cries it looks like he just suffered a massive stroke. Move the left side of your mouth dude! Also, if Howard Dean’s maniacal moment of laughter disqualifies him from consideration for a higher office, and it certainly does, I think john Boehner, in all his infancy, should be held to the same standards. Crying is for girls and men that just got kicked in the junk, not for politicians who just want to use their clout to ball-wash the rich. KILL THE RICH, FEED THE POOR!!! Welcome to 2011, I’m out!

Don’t Tell Me…. It’s Christmas

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2010 by Suge White

image

Christmas is the holiday that best exemplifies my worst personal trait, which happens to be my penchant for procrastination. I will literally stop at a gas station and buy someone a scratch ticket right before a Christmas party. A scratch ticket is the best way to tell someone “I forgot about Christmas, my bad”. How could someone disapprove? Sure, your gift could end up being absolutely nothing but it could also be a million dollars. Think about that million dollars for a second. With a million dollars, you could by a lot of beer, a lot of drugs, and possibly Lindsay Lohan as your own personal prostitute because, lets be honest, she has nothing else going on right now. And if you play your cards right, she might even do a line of cocaine off your dick. Hell, before you know it, you will be playing beach volleyball with Jessica Alba, Lenny Dykstra, and Danny Glover’s father, while wearing nothing but a Speedo made out of a Scandinavian women’s face (first off, the Scandinavian woman would have willing sold you her face. Secondly, watch out for that Lenny Dykstra. I hear he’s broke these days).  My procrastination could lead to some true happiness in someone’s life. Who’d of thought?  Merry Christmas and Fuck You!

Hustle Womens 4 President!

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2010 by Suge White

image

Another election season come and gone and nothing has changed for Mr. Womens. Let me break it down: Some rich people won and some rich people lost, the country is still uncomfortable with minorities and hateful towards gays, and weed is still illegal. What can I say? I’ve learned not to expect much from politics. Elections are like life. Many people come and go but very few, if any, make a lasting impression and the ones who do don’t always stick around to see it.  Some people will help you, some people will hurt you but, in the end, everyone is out for themselves. Never forget that! So if you are disappointed about the election results, GET THE FUCK OVER IT! If you live in Massachusetts and are unhappy, go buy some now-cheaper-because-of-the-election booze and drown your sorrows. If you live in Nevada and are unhappy, go bang a prostitute because that’s still legal. If you live in Kentucky and are unhappy, go make some whiskey because, lets be honest, that’s the only legal activity you are good at. If you live in Florida and are unhappy, do anything that doesn’t involve getting in a car because you are probably really old and so terrible at driving that you are a danger to everyone on the road, in any parking lot, or in any storefront that you could possibly drive into. Whatever the case may be, try to move on…. and try to keep your grandparents from driving (I can’t get over it).