Archive for mustache

I Sometimes Watch Sports

Posted in Great American Pastimes with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I’m going to start a weekly (subject to change at a drinking binge’s discreation) Red Sox column, discussing the teams progress throughout this arduous season. I won’t watch every game and I won’t ball wash anyone, except maybe myself, but I will let you know how much certain people suck and exactly why they suck. We aren’t here to proclaim royalty of our stars when they are doing well. We are here to criticize the everlasting shit out of them when they underperform because it makes us feel better. Who sits back and cheers for every favorably called strike? No one… unless they are really drunk. However, losing ones mind over a called ball over the outside corner is nothing short of the essence of being a fan. I am an irrational sports fans, Masshole none the less. My column will reflect that. So here it goes.

John Lackey needs to pull his head, and possibly the heads of others, out of his ass. I didn’t like his signing from the minute it was announced. I always suspected that he might be retarded but now he’s apparently an emotionally fragile retard. Calm down, man…  Take a Valium… Eat a cheeseburger… Hell, punch a stripper in the face if you want. Just turn your shit around and start pitching like a man or retire and go play some fucking softball… Jackass! I will put Bobby Jenks into the same category. Although he rid himself of that hideous facial hair once he started sucking the bag, he still sported it for far to long and therefore deserves to be thoroughly criticized for his poor performance. When your goatee looks like string cheese, you should probably do a better job of not having a goatee.  And he certainly hasn’t done that.

Faces I Want To Punch Pt. 1

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2009 by Suge White

kobe cryinKobe Bryant – I love to watch this guy cry.  He often looks like a child, after getting yanked out of the sandbox by his mother for throwing sand in another child’s eyes.  He has no reason to bitch like he does.  He fucking cries all the time during his games.  Stop blaming the refs every time you miss a shot, which isn’t that often.  You didn’t fucking get fouled.  If anything you pushed off or swung your arm to purposely hit a defender in the face after your shot.  Stop whining when your teammates don’t pass you the ball, even though you were triple covered.  You bitched when Shaq got all the attention.  He should have punched you back then.  Now you act like you have no one around you who is any good.  You did that to yourself.

gasolPau Gasol – I’m not trying to pick on the Lakers, even though I hate all of them.  I just hate this guys face.  His huge nose provides a good bulls-eye for punching.  He looks like muppet character… and not even a cool one.  Cut that fucking greasy ass hair .  Shave your face.  Your not homeless so stop looking like it.  On top of it all, this man cannot play a good game when it matters.  I guess that happens when you come up playing for the Grizzlies.  Or when your European.  What is it with these European basketball players?  They all suck when it matters except Tony Parker… and I hate the French so that really pains me to say.

rushRush Limbaugh – With this man, a punch just isn’t enough.  Somebody needs to punch him in the face, then kick him in the groin, and then steal his percocets.  Fucking drug addict.  This guy kind of looks like a bloated Hannibal Lecter.  He will eat you… unless you are a gay, minority, or Democrat… or if you will sell him percocets.

mustacheGeraldo Rivera’s Mustache – That’s right, just his mustache.  It’s so full and not even the least bit wispy.  The biggest problem here is that his mustache is so strong that it might be able to kick my ass.  I would have to shoot it first and then punch it.  Usually, a man grows a mustache but in this case, I think the mustache grew a man.  That mustache doesn’t need Geraldo to be successful.  You could put that thing on anyone and they could do great things.  O.K. I’ll admit it.  I want to punch that mustache out of pure jealousy.  I wish my mustache was that profound.

bonoBono – I may be Irish but this Irishman makes me wish I wasn’t.  I’m fucking ashamed.  What went wrong here?  Bono used to make beautiful music and wear really cool shades.  Now he makes terrible music and wears eye make up.  It looks like he has been on a life long dope binge.  Maybe I need to punch all of U2 for letting him appear in public like that, if only I could name any of them, other than the Edge.  Bono, please just let me punch you, once in each eye.  It’s the only way I can ever forgive you for making the Irish look like a punch of make up wearing pansies.

dane-cook-bachelorDane Cook – I really want to punch him and anyone that enjoys his work.  I understand that this group includes a number of women, like this kid Tim I used to go to school with who kept saying that Dane Cook was one of the best comedians of all time.  I am, in fact, using my blog to call out Tim for being a fucking loser so TIME OUT :  Tim you are a bitch.  You’ve talked a whole mess of shit behind my back because you want what I’ve had.  You have no unique thoughts and you shave your head to hide the fact that you are almost bald at the age of 25.  I would beat the bag out of you except you are not worth the prison time I would get for such a deed.  By the way, nice turtle neck you fucking knob… and yes, a mock turtle neck is still a turtle neck.  TIME IN: I am a reasonable man so I will agree to simply slap all of Dane Cook’s female fans… and Tim.  Dane Cook is not funny.  Certainly not one of the best ever.  He is nothing more than a spastic performer.  Granted, he is a very good spastic performer.  The bottom line is that he steals jokes from much better comedians, just look it up.  The man is a pussy, much like Tim (which I guess explains why he likes the guy so much). Anyone ever see his HBO show Tourgasm?  The man cried after losing a game of paintball and then accused the other team of cheating.  END OF FUCKING STORY!!!