Archive for winter

Wintery Retards

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2011 by Suge White

Well, I live in a land that is currently buried up to Shaquille O’Neil’s nipples in snow.  However, that does not give anyone, even me, the right to complain.  We choose to live here…. and I say this assuming that no infants, domesticated animals, slaves, or Russian spies follow my incoherent ramblings. So now that you all know that we shouldn’t be complaining, STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING! So what if it takes you an extra hour to get to work? Fucking suck it up, get up up early, dig your God damn car out the snow, and slip-and-slide your ass to work. I’ve lived in Massachusetts for 27 years, I am well aware that it gets cold in the winter and that occasionally some sort of slick white stuff falls from the sky.  I’ve learned to deal with it and to take those opportunities to make cheap shot jokes at the likes of Darryl Strawberry and Charlie Sheen. And if your not the type to ridicule others for their excessively publicized indiscretions, just keep your mouth shut and carry on. Don’t give me this ‘I can’t believe how slick these roads are’ horse shit. If you honestly can’t believe this is happening, you are a retard.

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Snowball Fights

Posted in Fucked Up People with tags , , , on January 12, 2011 by Suge White

When I look out the window and see 2 feet of snow, all I want to do is whip some balls at people. Granted, I may be a little old for this type of behavior but I was always encouraged to remain young at heart. It wouldn’t even be a stretch for me to jump on some old ladies back, throw her to the ground, and give her a white-wash. Hey, its all in good fun. Maybe I’ll make a really short snow man, piss all over him, and call him an Asian. Let it snow!

Mr. Womens Winter Wonderland

Posted in Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2010 by Suge White

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Somehow we’ve stumbled upon another winter and I woke up this morning to the site of snow on the ground. As a kid, I loved snow but only because it meant that school might get canceled. However, now that I’m an adult, snow just means that my drive to work is going to be dangerous. It also means that if I stand outside for too long, there is a good chance my dick is going to get cold. That is never a pleasant turn of events. I go to that place to gather warmth for my frozen fingers but a cold dick means cold hands. So if you come across me starting a friction fire in my trousers, while huddled behind the wood shed, its not because I’m sexually frustrated but rather because I’m freezing and my heater needs to be warmed up a bit before saving my digits from a frost bitten fate. No, seriously, I wasn’t jerking off! This brings me to another of life’s great mysteries. How do Eskimos procreate? When its that cold out, the last thing I want to do is expose my little friend to the elements. Getting kicked in the smallest extremity is no fun but I’d imagine fucking an ice box is much worse. Sorry Mrs. Claus, my sex elf is taking the day off because it’s just too fucking cold. You know who’s dick never gets cold? The answer is God. God’s dick is always the perfect temperature. How do I know? That’s simple, I’ve seen it in action. When I say I’ve seen it in action, I’m not saying I was sitting in the corner watching the man upstairs pound out the girl downstairs.  It also doesn’t mean that I was on the receiving end of some heavenly prison justice.  No, it means that I’ve watched Tom Brady lead the New England Patriots to victory, time and time again.  Is there any question that Mr. Brady is a living replica of God’s dick? I think not. He scores whenever he wants, he always stays cool in the pocket, and he is topped with the finest hair known to man. Sounds like God’s dick to me.