Archive for life

Its The End Of The World

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2011 by Suge White

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In case you haven’t noticed, 2012 is bearing down on us like an out of control station wagon with a coked-up James Brown behind the wheel.  We are all watching as massive earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes rock our tranquility.  All the while, Charlie Sheen is running around like some half assed anti-christ trying to corrupt our youthful exuberance.  Seriously people, we need to put down the crack pipes and pick up the shovels. We should be building bomb shelters… or space ships… or some really cool kind of oven that runs on the decaying remnants of our hopes and dreams.  The bottom line is that we should be preparing for our Armageddon.  And even if we can’t save our selves, we should at least be trying to live it up while we are still here.  With that being said, go out and try some new things.  I’ve never helped an old lady cross a street with her groceries, so guess what is first on my list of things to do? If you guessed ‘helping an old lady cross the street’, you are an idiot for thinking I’m going to waste my final days helping out those that have lived much more life than I will ever see.  Sorry, grandma but I’m going to steal your groceries and pawn them off to buy some heroin.  I’ve never done heroin before, nor have I ever wanted to, but hell, the world is going to end and I’m interested to see what all the hype is about.  I’ll have a needle in my arm, a crack pipe in my mouth (which I picked up after accepting my impending doom), and a dirty chick on the end of my dick.  No more caring and no more thoughts.  All that will be left is black tar and hideous lower back tattoos.  Get like me and accept the inevitable.

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Get Me Out Of Here

Posted in Make Decisions with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Right now, it’s cold enough to melt fire.  All winter long, the snow has been accumalting like our national debt but it’s the bone chilling wind that really bothers me.  This wind could rip the nipples off a rhino.  With climate change ready to bust it’s load all over planet earth, I fear this sort of torture will become more common.  A hasty retreat may be my only option but where should I go? Perhaps Libya?  If Qaddafi has taught me anything, it is that you can find some really nice sunglasses in Libya.  Maybe I could go to the Ivory Coast.  They have an internationally recognized president who does nothing and then they have guy who just runs shit.  Sounds like Bush and Cheney. What about Amsterdam?  Supposedly they are now trying to limit drug use amongst foreigners.  So in other words, I will not be going there.  Iowa? Okay, that’s a joke.  Who the fuck would want to live in Iowa? For some unknown reason, when I think Iowa, I think hobo hotbed.  If I don’t know how to hop a train or how to cook beans over a dumpster fire, I don’t think I’d survive a week in Iowa.  That leaves me with Texas. The land of steers and queers, or so they say.  Which gets me thinking, if Texas has both queers and steers, it would beg to reason that there must be some segment of the population that’s is both queer and steer.  With that being said, what does a gay cow taste like and would I want to eat it?  I’m certainly not prejudiced against cows or bulls that chose to live an alternative lifestyle but I also don’t want my cow to taste like it spent it’s life fighting for acceptance in a cruel world, while simultaneously playing women’s hockey.  And if I’m eating a bull and it tastes like it enjoyed a good bubble bath, a night of dancing, and a stiff cosmopolitan,  I’m not sure how I’ll react.  If nothing else, at least it’ll be rich in protein, I guess. 

I Have Some Reservations

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Suge White

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Today, I will offer up a first at hustlewomens.com. I will give a review on my favorite television show, No Reservations. This needs to be done, if only because Anthony Bourdain has crushed my less than conciliatory stance towards the French.  Once I get past his ethnic deficiencies, I can’t help but see that this man posses many of the life goals and aspiritations that I hold. He travels the world with the well intentioned goals of eating exotic food, drinking non domestic beer, and generally ridiculing his foreign hosts. His love of alcohol, his appreciation of punk rock, and his questioning of weird Russian men who come across as potentially homosexual, are all qualities that I admire greatly. Dare I say, this show is pure genius. I also live my life with the very natural intention of letting others know that I am better than them, while also feigning interest in their unique perspective, so I can’t help but appreciate this show. But don’t get me wrong. I would love the chance to prove my superiority to Mr. Bourdain himself. With that being declared, just know that I never have to meet the man in order to do so.  One simple sentence will suffice. I have not once tried heroin, let alone done so multiple times. Mr. Womens 1, Mr. No Reservations 0. I win.  Now that I have proved my superiority over such a deeply flawed opponent in a fashion not seen since the Falkland War, I must admit that I have a genuine respect for his man. He eats food I would never dare eat, he probably bangs women I can only dreambof touching, all while doing drugs I would never even attempt to procure. Anthony Bourdain, God speed.

Put You All In Check

Posted in Shit We Do, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2010 by Suge White

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I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve learned a thing or two about this world and the people in it during my short time on this earth. And if you’ve read any of my misanthropic musings in the past, then you should know that most of what I’ve learned has since been regurgitated from my brain in the form of pure, unadulterated, hate. Therefore, I think its only fair that I commence with the hatred. This week I was introduced to the idea of arsenic friendly bacteria and came away from this learning experience not caring anymore or any less about bacteria or arsenic. Who the fuck cares? I think someone needs to research these ‘scientists’ for any sign of a sex life. They say that this finding can aid our search for alien life forms. Something tells me that the last thing we want to see are alien life forms that are arsenic friendly. I have spent 27 years of my life trying not to get eaten by any of this planet’s animals and the last thing I need is another threat to my well being. I shouldn’t have to spend my time dodging gigantic lizard creatures that want to eat my brain and then bury their eggs in the rectum of my dead rotting carcass, all because some ‘scientists’ insisted on finding aliens.

I Make Mistakes… Often

Posted in Disaster, Fucked Up People, Hero, Make Decisions, Shit We Do, Stop...Look...Listen, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2010 by Suge White

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I have recently discovered that my life is nothing more than a series of terrible life choices.  When a situation arises, I generally decide what the best course of action is and then do the opposite.  I’m serious.  This is much more than drinking with a hangover because, let’s face it, we all do that (Yes, even you, dead Gandhi).  All I know is that if there is a God, he is probably mighty dissapointed with me.  They told me not to take that last shot at the bar… I did it anyway.  They told me not to sleep with that lady… I did it anyway (unprotected, mind you).  They told not to dip my junk in that pot of boiling water… actually, I still didn’t do that because I’m not fucking retarded.  As a matter of fact, fuck you for even thinking that I would actually consider doing that shit… fucking assholes.

These are the people we deal with

Posted in Fucked Up People with tags , , , on April 15, 2009 by Suge White

smoking-crack1No matter how you look at it, most people are fucked up. Some people smoke crack. Some people cut themselves. Some people even fuck animals… and not even exotic animals. I could understand if someone had the chance to pound on a polar bear or something, cause lets face it, that would be fucking awesome (awesome fucking rather) but these people are fucking dogs…that’s taking man’s best friend to a whole new level.   This just shows that there are alot of people out there that do weird shit everyday. Can’t people just think fucked up shit without actually doing the fucked up shit they are thinking of? For example…Who hasn’t wanted to punch a child at one time or another? I know this sounds absolutely savage but we have all had this feeling. I’m not talking about just annoying children, cause thats exactly what most children are…ANNOYING. I’m talking about those rude ass fuckin’ children. We all know the type, the type that just deserve to get punched. You see? You just don’t go around punching all the kids that piss you off because as adults we know better. Unfortunately, not all adults know better. Just the same, what man would ever consider using a glory hole? No man should ever stick his dick in a glory hole. I for one, would never risk castration for a chance gay encounter… I wouldn’t even do it if there was a chance of an attractive lady being on the other side. Those just aren’t the type of odds that people should be betting the house on… you feel me?