Archive for Jesus

Gathering My Thoughts…. And That’s Not Good For Anyone.

Posted in Stop...Look...Listen with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2011 by Suge White

Here’s to a new year. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve put my insanity out there for the masses. I think my lack of creativity is due to the cold because if my dick is frozen to the side of my leg, the last thing I’ll be doing is writing. Today however, I have pulled apart my appendages, thawed out my frost bitten bait, and am now ready for a little nonsense. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed some things that strike me as unacceptable. First things first, these children need to drink more booze. We need to teach these kids to man up and stop being a bunch of pussies.  I don’t care if you’re wearing a diaper, drink more. Control of your bodily fluids has nothing to do with it. Shit, I know some grown ass men that can’t help but piss all over themselves after they get a few cups of the sauce in them… see Sleazy E (former Goon, now heartless pussy). Next line of business: men with pony tails.  In the words of the great Mike Singletary, “Can’t win with them”. Perhaps I should add a line item to this declaration by saying that if you believe in the virtues of hippy-ism, I may give you a pass for the time being, if only to avoid the wrath of some good friends. Other then these select few, no man should be rocking a pony tail because it makes you look some sort of poor man’s Jesus Christ.  Jesus was poor enough. There is no need to try to one-up him. I’m going after Russian dudes next.  Seriously, get your teeth fixed. I’m sorry Ovechkin, that mangled grill of yours doesn’t make you look rugged. It makes you look like a guy who just smoked 5 grams of crack and is now on the hunt for some little girls bicycle to steal. I can see him now, riding down the street on that pink Huffy with the streamers flying off the handle bars, all the while looking like some sort of Wario on meth. You make millions, dude. Go see a dentist. Sticking with the hockey player theme, we will move on to Sidney Crosby. You mustn’t ever wear that dick-broom you call a mustache ever again. Your skills on the ice may be significant but no amount of skill can make up for that disasterous attempt at facial hair. Keep it clean shaven and maybe you won’t be lambasted by me for looking like John Waters, though I will continue to question your sexual preference. Moving on.  John Boehner needs to stop crying. I’m probably the 1,000th person to comment on this but I might be the only one to notice that every time he cries it looks like he just suffered a massive stroke. Move the left side of your mouth dude! Also, if Howard Dean’s maniacal moment of laughter disqualifies him from consideration for a higher office, and it certainly does, I think john Boehner, in all his infancy, should be held to the same standards. Crying is for girls and men that just got kicked in the junk, not for politicians who just want to use their clout to ball-wash the rich. KILL THE RICH, FEED THE POOR!!! Welcome to 2011, I’m out!

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Don’t Tell Me…. It’s Christmas

Posted in Disaster with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2010 by Suge White

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Christmas is the holiday that best exemplifies my worst personal trait, which happens to be my penchant for procrastination. I will literally stop at a gas station and buy someone a scratch ticket right before a Christmas party. A scratch ticket is the best way to tell someone “I forgot about Christmas, my bad”. How could someone disapprove? Sure, your gift could end up being absolutely nothing but it could also be a million dollars. Think about that million dollars for a second. With a million dollars, you could by a lot of beer, a lot of drugs, and possibly Lindsay Lohan as your own personal prostitute because, lets be honest, she has nothing else going on right now. And if you play your cards right, she might even do a line of cocaine off your dick. Hell, before you know it, you will be playing beach volleyball with Jessica Alba, Lenny Dykstra, and Danny Glover’s father, while wearing nothing but a Speedo made out of a Scandinavian women’s face (first off, the Scandinavian woman would have willing sold you her face. Secondly, watch out for that Lenny Dykstra. I hear he’s broke these days).  My procrastination could lead to some true happiness in someone’s life. Who’d of thought?  Merry Christmas and Fuck You!

Get Away From Me…. Or At Least Stop Talking

Posted in Fucked Up People, Stop with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2010 by Suge White

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Let me reiterate to you how much I hate people.  I hate people so much that if I had a choice between talking to a stranger and getting fucked by a ravenous wombat, I would seriously consider subjecting myself to any number of sexually transmitted wombat diseases just to avoid talking to the likely idiot. Seriously, how bad could love with a syphilitic wombat be? However, if I talk to the stranger, he may tell me about his mortgage, about his job, or about his mothers arthritic hip. Lets be honest. Who wants to hear about any of that shit? Sorry pal, I don’t care about your kids and since you insisted on showing me a picture of them that you have stuffed away in your wallet, it’s only fair that I tell you that your daughter looks like Andre the Giant and your son looks like Boy George. Needless to say, you should pull out next time you hop in the sack with that handsome broad you call a wife. Perhaps my words are a little crass but so is the sight of your hideous children. This brings me back to my ultimate point. Please don’t talk to me. I don’t care if you’re Jesus fucking Christ. On a side note, I would imagine that talking to Jesus would be a real downer. He’s got all sorts of uncomfortable topics to discuss. “So my mother says I am the son of God but I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t want to tell me that she fucked the whole village and my father could be anyone but is probably the papyrus salesman with bad knees and a penchant for boy love. Oh and did I mention that I was crucified?”. For the love of your supposed father, shut the fuck up!  And no, I’m not interested in putting “the body of Christ” in my mouth, you fucking creep!

Plungers… for toilets

Posted in Shit We Do with tags , , , on April 29, 2009 by Suge White

stevie-wonderDid you know that plungers have names?  Not brands but actual names.  My roomate Conor (local Goon) recently bought a plunger that was called the ‘Master Blaster’.  If that name doesn’t shock you, go back and read it again.  If you’re still not shocked, go get tested for swine flu because if that doesn’t raise your eyebrow then you must be ill.  Seriously, is it a sex toy?  Or is it an ode to Stevie Wonder?  It IS black, stylish, and makes an amazing noise during use (it sounds like a tornado spinning inside of a blender thats filled with the finest spirits this side of Des Moines, Iowa).  Sounds like Stevie Wonder to me… and Master Blaster is a fucking classic song, no doubt.  Definitely a song I would name a plunger after.  Its making me think that I should also start naming plungers.  My first plunger would be a slender, tan colored, plunger, with a dual use mop top. I would call it ‘The Saviour’.  You know… like Jesus.

Ridiculous Holidays

Posted in Great American Pastimes, Shit We Do with tags , , on April 17, 2009 by Suge White

groundhog_dayI just heard some people discussing the movie Groundhog Day.  I love that movie.  Bill Murray is generally good in everything he is in.  The discussion did get me thinking though.  Groundhog Day has to be the most ridiculous day on the calendar.  I even prefer Arbor Day and what’s that good for.  I understand Groundhog Day is a great tradition and all, but seriously.  No one should ever make predictions based on the life of a rodent.  And why a groundhog?  Groundhogs are definitely one of the more obscure animals running around this fine country of ours.  So why give them their own day?  I could understand if it was a mouse, a rabbit, or a Jesus… you know, something like that.  Then again, maybe Jesus has been reincarnated as a groundhog… always a possibility.  This again has me thinking.  What would happen if Jesus was reincarnated as a cow and then that cow was slaughtered and turned into a steak or a baseball glove?  Would Jesus become those things?  I would love to eat a Jesus steak.  It would probably be delicious.