Unnecessary Body Modifications

wildenstein_leadFace Lifts – Old women need to stop getting facelifts.  You’re not fooling anyone.  What is the point anyway?  Who are you trying to look younger for?    If you are getting a facelift in an attemp to date out of your age bracket then you are going about it all wrong.  Flashing some money is a much more productive way of baggin’ a younger gentleman.  Plus, a facelift will just make you look like my ball bag if I were to draw 2 eyes on it and then stretch it to its limit. 

calfCalf Implants – I’m sorry buff, beach dude, with scrawny legs.  It’s your own fault that you bulked up on the bench press and curls and forgot about your legs.  There is a good chance that no one will be able to tell if you get calf implants but, if you do, just know that you are, in fact, a closeted homosexual.  A WALK IN closeted homosexual (I’m not hating on gays, unless you lie about it.  Be honest for christ sake).  If you are that guy then you probably also go tanning and get your teeth whitened.  That’s just not cool.  Just go back to your steroids and don’t forget to work on your legs this time.

world-039-s-largest-breast-implants-153-67-cm-60-5-in-in-circumferenceBreast Implants – (I would like to dedicate this section to all the breasts out there that have had to be reduced.  You are truely in our thoughts).  God made each pair of breasts a certain size and they should be left that way.  If you have small breasts, find a man with small hands.  Or a small dick.  This should make them appear bigger or help you understand that some people have worse problems.  Don’t go in there and pump them full of weird, untrustworthy, rubbers.  Sure, I would enjoy looking at them and would be more than to have a go with you but I would still feel like I was fucking a department store mannequin because your breasts would be as real as them.  Not to mention doing so would just be a slap in the face to all the breast reduction patients out there who had to mess with God for health reasons. If you think you want breast implants simply walk up to the next guy you see whip them out and ask him what he thinks.  Guarantee he says they look awesome, unless his name is Bruce and he is being walked on a leash by a large black man named Lollipop.

tanningbedTanning – Ladies, please stop tanning.  Most of us, me included, love some dark skinned women but it at leasts needs to be natural.  Dark skin due to birth or legitimate exposure to sunlight is more than exceptable but jumping into a booth an exposing yourself to ultraviolet radiation just doesn’t sound like such a good idea.  Not to mention, it doesn’t look good when you rip off those drawers and it looks like your thong was lined with mayonnaise.  So if you are going to do it, and I don’t suggest it, at least go all out.  Gentleman, I don’t even need to tell you to stop tanning.  I’ve already touched on that one.  Hopefully, you’ve already taken a break from your reading to call your local tanning salon and cancel your membership.

2 Responses to “Unnecessary Body Modifications”

  1. Halfie Williams Says:

    First, just kidding relax… no you shut up. oh I am so going to beat you when we get home

  2. Halfie Williams Says:

    I want to get knuckle implants so I can beat the shit out of these people and look good doing it

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